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Thin skinned dont read 12/10/2011
WHAT DOES A FAT WHITE GIRL AND A BRICK HAVE IN COMMON???????????????????
SOONER OR LATER THEY, LL BOTH BE LAYED BY A MEXICAN!!!
JUST A JOKE..
6 Comments, 158 Views,
19 Votes
,3.78 Score
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the affair 12/9/2011
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One
day, their passions overcame them and they took off for
her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.
Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening
around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the
woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the
grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless ...
3 Comments, 209 Views,
12 Votes
,3.15 Score
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Mermaid 12/9/2011
- Daddy! Is mermaid a fish or a woman? - Depends on whether you are hungry or horny, !
1 Comments, 50 Views,
3 Votes
,1.96 Score
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The Wizard of Oz is Seventy 12/7/2011
Today, if Dorothy were to encounter Men with no brains,
no hearts, and no courage -
She wouldn't be in Oz -
She'd be in Congress.
1 Comments, 98 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score
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Tools Explained 12/2/2011
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that
it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the
room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had
carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of ...
2 Comments, 123 Views,
6 Votes
,5.36 Score
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How's your day going? 12/2/2011
There I was is sitting by myself at the bar staring at my untouched drink. Suddenly, a 6'8" tattooed biker steps up next
to me and grabs my drink. He then grinned at me and gulped down my drink in one swig. "Well, whatcha gonna do about it?"
he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man, " the biker says, "I didn't
think you'd CRY. I just need to kick someone's ass, not watch a grown ...
0 Comments, 176 Views,
16 Votes
,5.77 Score
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Greek style? 11/28/2011
A man goes into a little neighborhood pub, and when he sits
down, he notices a beautiful woman sitting at the other
end of the bar. He waves to her, and much to his surprise,
she winks back at him. It doesn't take long before he
is on the stool next to her. They talk for about fifteen minutes
and then the man says to the woman, "You're really
hot!"
"You're pretty cute, too, " she says ...
1 Comments, 228 Views,
7 Votes
,2.28 Score
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Farmer comes out with a shotgun 11/28/2011
Two guys sneak into a farmer's fruit garden and start
eating the fruit. The farmer sees them and comes out with
a shotgun. "Since you guys like fruit so much go pick
100 of which ever fruit you want, " said the farmer.
The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100 he
goes back to the farmer. The farmer says, "now shove em' all up your ass."
The guy gets all 100 up his ass. He feels ...
1 Comments, 238 Views,
10 Votes
,4.78 Score
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Question??? 11/26/2011
Think about it... If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers
business can go down the drain, can a get layed off?
6 Comments, 196 Views,
14 Votes
,5.38 Score
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The priest & the 11/22/2011
A priest went downtown to try & get a few hookers to turn
their lives over to GOD.He started talking to one of the
ladies in which she asked, (how about I give you some head
father).the priest went back to the church & asked
one of the sisters what head was?.The sister replied 20
bucks the same as downtown.
2 Comments, 170 Views,
3 Votes
,1.96 Score
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old straggly cat 11/21/2011
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.
She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible,
skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so
we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't
know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would
let us know when we could come and get her. My ...
2 Comments, 151 Views,
8 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Honda Vs. Harley 11/21/2011
This little girls was walking down the sidewalk one day
when this big, bearded biker pulls up along side of her.
He says, "HEY! Little girl. Get on back and I'll
give ya a ride." The little girl replies and says,
"NO WAY! I'm not getting on the bike with you."
So, the big biker burns 'em out and takes off. A few minutes
later, he returns and says to the little girl, " HEY!
I'll give you ...
1 Comments, 142 Views,
7 Votes
,0.75 Score
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New Panties 11/18/2011
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an
attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on
the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough
times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing
crotchless panties?"
"Y-e-s, " she answers with a seductive smile.
...
2 Comments, 186 Views,
8 Votes
,3.94 Score
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Once more 11/17/2011
An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very
fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman
comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed
kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh, " replies the husband, "she's
my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw, " says the
wife. "I've had ...
2 Comments, 180 Views,
6 Votes
,4.22 Score
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I see 11/17/2011
A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and
says to the secretary, 'I would like to join this damn
church.'
The astonished woman replies, 'I beg your pardon,
sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?'
'Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!'
I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not
tolerated in this church.' ...
2 Comments, 170 Views,
8 Votes
,1.62 Score
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Erotic or Kinky 11/17/2011
What's the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic
= using a feather Kinky = using the whole chicken 
3 Comments, 65 Views,
7 Votes
,4.57 Score
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WaKaWaKa ( Fozy Bear- Muppet) 11/17/2011
What's green and smells like Pork?
Kirmits finger!!!!
1 Comments, 34 Views,
1 Votes
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HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD 11/13/2011
George Phillips, an elderly man, from Orangeville , Ontario,
Canada was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd
left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see
from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to
go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the
shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked, "Are they in your
house?" He said "No, " but ...
1 Comments, 160 Views,
13 Votes
,6.16 Score
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REPLACEMENT WINDOWS 11/11/2011
REPLACEMENT WINDOWS
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that
expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call
from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that
the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid
for them. Hellloooo, ............just because I'm blonde
doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I ...
1 Comments, 147 Views,
10 Votes
,3.98 Score
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sons first bj 11/10/2011
A dad and his are sitting in a bar. the says to the dad,
"dad, I had my first blowjob today!" the dad
with his proud voice replies, "thats my boy, how was
it?" the says "I don't know , but I still
cant get this taste out of my mouth!"
1 Comments, 239 Views,
8 Votes
,2.32 Score
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Feel like a valedictorian? 11/10/2011
I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said "May I have large bills, please"
She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the
bills are the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....
1 Comments, 87 Views,
6 Votes
,3.08 Score
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Kentucky Saloon 11/7/2011
A guy walks into a bar in Kentucky and orders a white wine.
All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting
to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here,
are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
...
1 Comments, 184 Views,
12 Votes
,4.74 Score
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Hillbilly 11/5/2011
Why did the hillybilly cross the road? His cock was stuck
in the chicken !!!
1 Comments, 106 Views,
7 Votes
,4.82 Score
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Jealousy 11/5/2011
Have you heard about the guy who got a Vasectomy and didn't
tell his wife until she got pregnant......?
1 Comments, 241 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
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Cowboy buying condums 11/5/2011
Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.
CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?
Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'TTHAT UGLY!!
3 Comments, 131 Views,
9 Votes
,2.36 Score
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Muslim , crying 11/4/2011
A little Muslim , crying, can’t find his mother in
the supermarket.
The store attendant says ‘What does your mother look
like?’
The says “How the heck would I know?”
1 Comments, 221 Views,
13 Votes
,5.49 Score
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SCOTCH? 11/3/2011
On the first day of school, the brought gifts for
their teacher. The supermarket manager's
brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.
The florist's brought the teacher a bouquet of
flowers.
The candy-store owner's gave the teacher
a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's brought up a big,
heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and ...
3 Comments, 203 Views,
14 Votes
,5.38 Score
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3 Bullets 11/1/2011
A pregnant woman walks into a bank, and
lines up at the first available teller. Just at that moment
the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach.
She was rushed to the hospital where she was fixed up. As
she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor says, "Oh! You're going to have triplets.
They're fine but each one has a bullet lodged in ...
3 Comments, 296 Views,
18 Votes
,5.03 Score
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Boy with no arms 10/23/2011
There was this little boy with no arms. He wanted to ring
the church bell on Sundays so he went to talk to the preacher.
The preacher didn't know how he was going to do it, but
he figured he would give him a shot.
When they got to the top tower, the runs face first into
the bell, no sound. After a few moments, the gets up and
begs the preacher for another try. The preacher tells him
to ...
1 Comments, 156 Views,
9 Votes
,1.50 Score
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AN IRISH GHOST STORY 10/21/2011
AN IRISH GHOST STORY
This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though
it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the
side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the
midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went
by.. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ...
1 Comments, 142 Views,
8 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Funny jokes 10/19/2011
Two guys and a girl were sitting in a bar drinking gin and
tonics and talking about their respective professions.
The first guy says, "Im what you call a YUPPIE. You
know Young Urban Professional."
The second guy says, "Well, I am what you call a DINK.
You know Double Income No ."
Then the woman says, "Yeah Well, I'm a WIFE. You
know Wash, Iron, F$&#, ...
3 Comments, 528 Views,
27 Votes
,5.77 Score
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"Are you Norwegian?" 10/19/2011
> Ole asked, "In what aisle could I find the Lutefisk?"
> > The clerk asks, "Are you Norwegian?" > > Ole was clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But
let me ask you something. If I > had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I
was Italian? Or if I had > asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was
German? Or if I asked > for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or ...
1 Comments, 148 Views,
6 Votes
,2.23 Score
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machine to catch a thef 10/17/2011
went a comedy festival the other day heard this joke.in
the satates they made a machine to catch theaf it caught
5 theaf in 3 mins in canada it caut 10 theaf in 3mins but in
trinidad in 3 mins they theaf the machine
0 Comments, 114 Views,
14 Votes
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Getting to work in a ice storm 10/16/2011
A shop owner opened his door one morning to find one of his
employees Joe half frozen wanting in.
He said Oh my god, Joe how did you ever manage to make it into
work with the worst ice storm in years, when No one else did?
Joe said, well as you know I only live about a half a mile away.
I knew I could not drive in that on that ice, so I figured I
would just walk it.
I ...
2 Comments, 198 Views,
6 Votes
,2.23 Score
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Once more 10/16/2011
The new town pastor walked into a neighborhood pub, and
stood quietly for a moment, watching everyone dancing
in the place, which was hopping with music.
Every once in a while the lights would go out, and the whole
place would erupt into cheers. After a few moments, though,
the revelers caught sight of the pastor, and the room went
dead silent.
He walked up to the bartender and ...
1 Comments, 210 Views,
8 Votes
,5.33 Score
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10 inch long... 10/15/2011
Two men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke.
He asks the other guy if he has a lighter and the other replies
"Yes, I do" and hands a 10 inch long BIC lighter.
Surprised, the guy asks "Where did you get this?"
The guy replies "Oh, I have a personal genie"
The first man asks "Can i make a wish?" "Sure" - says the other man - "Just make
sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little ...
1 Comments, 183 Views,
8 Votes
,3.71 Score
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Q&A 10/15/2011
Q: What is Mickey’s favorite treat? A: Mice cream
1 Comments, 79 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score
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Pinocchio 10/15/2011
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain
about splinters when they had sex. Pinocchio therefore went to visit Gepetto to see if he could
help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever
indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing
happily through town and asked him, "How's the
girlfriend?" Pinocchio ...
1 Comments, 151 Views,
4 Votes
,5.19 Score
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the difference between men and women 10/15/2011
HIS AND HER DIARY FOR THE SAME DAY:
Her Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made
plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping
with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at
the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that
we go somewhere quiet so ...
1 Comments, 135 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score
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Packet of condums 10/15/2011
Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.
CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?
Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!
1 Comments, 154 Views,
4 Votes
,1.69 Score
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Darwin Awards 10/13/2011
> It's that time again. The DARWIN Awards are out.
The annual honor is given to > the persons who did the gene pool the biggest service
by killing themselves > in the most extraordinarily stupid way.Last year's
winner was the fellow who > was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top
of him as he was > attempting to tip a free soda out. This year's
winner was a real rocket > scientist... ...
4 Comments, 139 Views,
8 Votes
,5.10 Score
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Her name's Debbie 10/12/2011
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair
but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms
with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're
stoning her in the morning! ------------- The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers,
so I did.... she's 21 and her name's Debbie. -------------------- Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals ...
1 Comments, 146 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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She said too!!! 10/11/2011
Two women are at the water cooler, and the first one says,
"I've got a sore throat." The second one says, "You know, whenever I have a sore
throat, I go home and give my husband a blow job, and it clears
it right up. You should try it." The next day they're at the water cooler again. The second girl says, "It worked like a charm. I feel
much better. You know, your husband just couldn't
believe ...
1 Comments, 216 Views,
10 Votes
,5.18 Score
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Man in hospital 10/10/2011
Man in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth.
"Nurse", he mumbles. "Are my testicles
black?" Nurse raises his gown, holds his privates
in one hand & his testicles in the other, ...she takes
a close look & says, "There's nothing wrong
with them Sir." Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles
at her & says very slowly. "Thanks for that, it
was lovely but listen very very carefully. ...
3 Comments, 212 Views,
13 Votes
,4.32 Score
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Something right 10/10/2011
Hear the one about Obama doing something right?
Me neither.
2 Comments, 112 Views,
16 Votes
,4.45 Score
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Calling in sick 10/10/2011
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter
how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that
my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway,
because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply
mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped
I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned,
I ...
1 Comments, 170 Views,
10 Votes
,3.58 Score
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Teenagers! 10/9/2011
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes
for his birthday present, I wanted to make sure they would
fit so I brought him along to try them on. After purchasing
the shoes we decided to grab something to eat at the food
court. While eating I noticed dad was staring at a
sitting a couple of tables away. the had spiked
hair dyed all different colors, green, red, orange and ...
3 Comments, 251 Views,
15 Votes
,3.44 Score
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The Private and the General 10/6/2011
A general on his private jet lays over at the Air Station
in Toulee, Greenland.
The General exits the plane and dresses down the first person
he sees---Private if you do not get me off the ground from
this hell hole as quickly as possible I will make your life
miserable as possible.
The first person he saw happened to be the private responsible
for evacuating the human waste ...
1 Comments, 285 Views,
6 Votes
,2.23 Score
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Why did Mickey Mouse... 10/6/2011
Why did Mickey Mouse divorce Minnie Mouse?
...
2 Comments, 134 Views,
7 Votes
,0.75 Score
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上网 10/6/2011
儿子：爸，为什么我会来到这世界…？
爸（上网中）：我现在忙着上网，等下才跟你说…
儿子：现在说啦~ 爸（回忆中）：好吧~那你听清楚咯~
有一天，爸爸在房间里上着网… 你爸爸Connect到你妈妈那边去… 然后你妈妈就从你爸爸的Server那边Download了一些东西… ...
3 Comments, 35 Views,
5 Votes
,2.49 Score
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When sex becomes a crime! 10/6/2011
Sex has been made a misdeamnor crime. The more you Miss it
Da Meaner you get!
0 Comments, 61 Views,
3 Votes
,0.49 Score
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One Morning 10/5/2011
Mickey Mouse woak up on a snowy morning and went to the window
and looked out to his front lawn, he was shocked to see someone
wrote " MICKY SUCKS ". So he calls the police
and they sent an investigater. The investigater took samples
and he call Mickey with the results. In two days Micky was
called by the investigater and he had good news and bad news.
He found out who done it. The good news was ...
3 Comments, 218 Views,
13 Votes
,0.79 Score
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When your black, your black 10/5/2011
When U Black, U Black When I was born, I was BLACK , When I grew up, I was BLACK , When I go in the sun, I stay BLACK, When I get cold, I am BLACK , When I am scared, I am BLACK , When I am sick, I am BLACK , And when I die, I'll still be BLACK .
NOW, You 'white' folks.....
When you're born, you're PINK , When you grow-up, you're WHITE , When you go in the sun, you get ...
1 Comments, 140 Views,
11 Votes
,3.92 Score
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a pirate walks into a bar... 10/3/2011
a pirate walks into a bar and orders a bottle o rum...
the bartender looks over and sees the pirate with a steering
wheel stuck down his pants and says... "do you know
you have a steering wheel stuck down your pants?"
the pirate looks down and says "Arrrgg, it's
been driving me nuts all day!"
1 Comments, 41 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score
|
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of a b!tch 10/3/2011
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, the of a b!tch
is seven.
Three plus six, the of a b!tch is nine..." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What
are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework,
Mom." "And this is how your teacher, MR ROBERTS taught you
to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes, " he answered. ...
0 Comments, 151 Views,
7 Votes
,4.31 Score
|
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Golf Explained 10/2/2011
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies
obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good
bottle of beer.
Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins, on top of that, the winner buys the
drinks.
Golf is harder than baseball. In Golf, you have to play your foul balls.
If you find you do ...
1 Comments, 83 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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Possibly Offensive, but funny anyway 10/1/2011
Wife says to husband, “If you start riding that new bicycle
I bought for you to work, we can get rid of the second car.”
He replies, “If you take it up the ass and let me cum on your
face, we can get rid of the nanny!”
A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house
was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had
his ...
3 Comments, 241 Views,
10 Votes
,5.77 Score
|
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Breast VS ass 9/29/2011
A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend,
'I wish I had bigger tits'. The boyfriend says
'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue
and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 'How
will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend.
'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.
1 Comments, 125 Views,
7 Votes
,4.06 Score
|
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Here is a Joke I Found Online 9/29/2011
A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor,
you must help me, " she pleaded. "It's
gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed
with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed
for a week."
"I see, " nodded the psychiatrist. "And
you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and
resolve in this matter."
"For God's sake, NO!" ...
0 Comments, 179 Views,
11 Votes
,4.10 Score
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Federal Judge 9/28/2011
Once a federal Jjki Shrse car late at night so away had failed.
He will help judge the Ashase Pashi there was at a farm house.
There lived a beautiful woman. Strine said that he lives
alone so she will have to wait Subhtk for Gॅrej Vagere
open and open. ''It's okay for the Halatmen I urge you to
render me stay overnight here, ''said the Jjne.
Sir, I am here alone, ''''but said that
Strine. No ...
3 Comments, 173 Views,
11 Votes
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RENO BROTHEL 9/27/2011
A truck DRIVER has been out on the road for 4 months. Now he, s stuck out west and lives in the east. In serious need of some pussy, he find the first brothel
he can find...
Runs in and says to the madam "I need a woman now, any
woman will do" She says "I'm sorry sir all the women are busy
right now" Mam i ned pussy bad..
She says i do have a room with a chicken available! ...
2 Comments, 207 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
|
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I KNEW IT!! 9/27/2011
I KNEW IT!!
Check your shampoo bottle label. I don't know WHY I
didn't figure this out sooner!!!! Its the shampoo
I use in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and (duh!)
printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,
FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY! NO wonder I have been gaining
weight!!!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I ...
1 Comments, 140 Views,
6 Votes
,2.80 Score
|
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Bran Flakes 9/27/2011
A husband and wife were 85 years old, and had been married
for 60 years. Though they were far from rich, they managed
to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health. This
was largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy
foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help. When on a rare ...
0 Comments, 140 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
|
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My pilot just died 9/27/2011
Help...Help , "My pilot just died!"
A blonde is on board a small two-seater airplane when suddenly
the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio.
"Mayday, mayday! My pilot just died!"
Ground control received her call for help and answers back:
"Don't worry, madam. I'll talk you down, just do as I say. First
I need you to give me your height ...
0 Comments, 198 Views,
6 Votes
,4.22 Score
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Condom Advice 9/26/2011
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old . They
happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What
are these, Dad?"
The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms, . Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see, " replied the boy. "Yes, I've
heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and ...
3 Comments, 215 Views,
12 Votes
,5.63 Score
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|
Great Truths 9/26/2011
1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless
man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress. John Adams
2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed,
if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. Mark Twain
3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member
of Congress. But then I repeat myself. Mark Twain
4. ...
1 Comments, 114 Views,
7 Votes
,4.06 Score
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|
If I Could Talk To The Animals 9/25/2011
A ventriloquist walked up to an Indian and said "I'll
bet I can make your talk." Indian: " no talk" Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Hi . How does
you master treat you?" : "Oh, he is good to me. He gives me food, water
and he keeps me out of the sun." Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make you talk."
Indian: "no talk." Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Dog, how are you?
Does your master treat you ...
0 Comments, 150 Views,
6 Votes
,3.65 Score
|
|
toilet paper..?? 9/24/2011
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural
pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes
over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should
bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins
to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking
his face with both hands. ...
2 Comments, 192 Views,
10 Votes
,3.78 Score
|
|
Police STOP at 2 AM 9/24/2011
A Police STOP at 2 AM
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m., and
is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol
abuse, and the effects it has on the human body, as well as
smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that
lecture at this time of night?" ...
1 Comments, 163 Views,
12 Votes
,5.10 Score
|
|
Seniors at Dunkin Donuts. 9/24/2011
A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all
their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this
cup of coffee, " said one.
"Yes, I know, " said another. "My cataracts
are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election
time, my hands are so crippled, " volunteered a third.
"What? Speak ...
2 Comments, 155 Views,
7 Votes
,2.53 Score
|
|
Why 9/24/2011
Why does a woman play with only one nipple during unbelievable
sex?
The other hand is holding the vibrator.
2 Comments, 169 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score
|
|
Old Cowboy 9/24/2011
A cowboy, who just moved toWyoming from Texas , walks into
a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the
room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes
them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You
know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better
if you bought one at a time." The cowboy ...
1 Comments, 175 Views,
8 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
|
Love the Brit’s Humour! 9/23/2011
At first, I was devastated to find out my wife was having
an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole
thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
-----------------------------------------------------------
The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers,
so I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy. ...
1 Comments, 144 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
|
|
How 9/19/2011
How do you starve an Obama supporter??
Hide their food stamps under their work shoes.
2 Comments, 85 Views,
13 Votes
,1.63 Score
|
|
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling hot water? 9/19/2011
hang on, it might take me a little while to get hard because
I just got laid by some chick.
3 Comments, 100 Views,
10 Votes
,5.18 Score
|
|
funny 9/19/2011
A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they
lie. He decides to test it at dinner. ", where were
you today?" The says "at school dad."
Robot slaps the ! "Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends
house!" "What dvd?" "Toy story."
Robot slaps the again! "Ok, it was a porno"
cries the . "What! When I was your age I didn't
know what porn was" says the dad. Robot slaps the dad!
Mom laughs ...
1 Comments, 157 Views,
13 Votes
,4.49 Score
|
|
Always remember... 9/18/2011
you're unique - just like everyone else.
4 Comments, 96 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
|
|
This is just too funny 9/17/2011
THE TOILET SEAT Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several
weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around
to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to
take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting
in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand
up, she realized that the ...
0 Comments, 151 Views,
9 Votes
,3.21 Score
|
|
ENGLISH LESSON 101 9/12/2011
No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference
between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that's
easy to understand. Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE
& FINISHED. I beg to differ because there is: When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE"!
And when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED"!
And when the right one catches you with the wrong ...
2 Comments, 137 Views,
5 Votes
,2.49 Score
|
|
Little old Lady 9/12/2011
I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for
speeding.I asked for her driver's license, registration,
and proof of insurance.
The lady took out the required information and handed it
to me.
In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced
age) to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her
and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this ...
1 Comments, 215 Views,
8 Votes
,5.10 Score
|
|
10 Year Anniversary 9/11/2011
In the wake of the 10 Year Anniversary of 9/11, Radical Muslims
are planning to go on a rampage in Southern California killing
anyone who is a legal US citizen.
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 23.
1 Comments, 151 Views,
15 Votes
,2.82 Score
|
|
Traveling 9/11/2011
--I have been to a lot of places, but I've never been
in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go alone. You have
to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one
recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport;
you have to be driven there. I have made several trips, thanks
to my friends and family.
I would ...
0 Comments, 111 Views,
11 Votes
,2.98 Score
|
|
Black Sponge 9/9/2011
Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower, and
sees her vagina.
He asks her what it is, and she embarrassingly replied,
"Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."
A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor
and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up
the milk!"
She replies, "I lost it, honey."
A couple of days later, he comes ...
2 Comments, 121 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
|
|
4 Questions 9/9/2011
President Obama went to an elementary school to talk to
the to get a little PR. After his talk he offered question time. One little boy put up his hand and Obama asked him his name.
" Walter, " responded the little boy.
"And what is your question, Walter ?"
"I have 4 questions: First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of
the Congress? Second, why do you ...
2 Comments, 163 Views,
11 Votes
,3.54 Score
|
|
I didn't know 9/8/2011
I did not know this.....
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure,
When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure,
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems,
When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is bad for you.
Warn all your friends
2 Comments, 162 Views,
6 Votes
,4.50 Score
|
|
UFO FUCK 9/8/2011
In the UFO capital of the world..Alabama..A boy and a girl
who every night drove out in a pasture somewhere and had
sex.. Well this night they we, re getting started and looked
up and saw a flying saucer land right in front of them..No
big deal they, ve seen them before.. Out comes a martian
man and a martian woman..They go over to the boy and girl..and
somehow decide to swap partners..The girl ...
4 Comments, 217 Views,
13 Votes
,3.48 Score
|
|
Sitting at a stop light 9/8/2011
I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday ....minding my own
business, waiting for it to turn green.
A carload of young, loud Muslims shouting anti American
slogans stopped next to me. The light changed, the Muslims
shook their fists, hit the gas and darted off ahead of me.
Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding through and ran directly
over their car, crushing it completely. ...
4 Comments, 220 Views,
19 Votes
,4.57 Score
|
|
Finding a mirror 9/8/2011
A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for
some fun and relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch,
all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking
woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome
to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature:
a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful,
you will be awarded with a wish. But, ...
1 Comments, 217 Views,
13 Votes
,2.14 Score
|
|
Will it hurt Doctor 9/8/2011
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant.
This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has
any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little
worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman
to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's
difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't ...
2 Comments, 200 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score
|
|
Waiting Room 9/5/2011
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my
wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said
to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir,
you're the new father of twins!"
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint
Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman
to his wife's room.
About an hour later, the same nurse ...
2 Comments, 205 Views,
9 Votes
,3.43 Score
|
|
laughter 9/3/2011
is laughter still thye best medicene that we vleive in ?
2 Comments, 95 Views,
6 Votes
,0.80 Score
|
|
Anger Management 9/3/2011
Anger Management Works
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just
need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone
you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was
sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd
forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. ...
2 Comments, 242 Views,
8 Votes
,5.33 Score
|
|
Married Men 9/3/2011
Married Men
At a wedding party recently someone yelled, "All
the married men please stand next to the one person who has
made your life worth living."
The bartender was crushed to death.
1 Comments, 187 Views,
8 Votes
,4.17 Score
|
|
Lexiphiles 9/3/2011
.....These are rather good
*_To all you Lexiphiles ... (those who love playing on words)_
* *To write with a broken pencil is pointless.*
*When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.*
*A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.*
*When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.*
*The professor discovered ...
1 Comments, 99 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
|
|
Watching TV 9/3/2011
An old married couple was at home watching TV. The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth
between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:
"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel.
You already know how to fish!"
1 Comments, 175 Views,
9 Votes
,3.43 Score
|
|
Friends. 9/3/2011
What's the differance between a good friend and a best
friend ? A good friend will bale you out of jail a best friend
will be beside you and say we f##k up.
1 Comments, 139 Views,
6 Votes
,1.66 Score
|
|
Missing in action 9/3/2011
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel
found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through
the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What
is it?"
...
1 Comments, 172 Views,
12 Votes
,3.51 Score
|
|
fuck v.s fax 9/3/2011
asian girl came to office and say: " can you fuck me?"
the officer said: " excuse me, what did you say"
the girl: "sorry, it'd be great if you fuck me"
officer: "what....??" the girl get angry and put documents toward the officer
and said: " can you fuck me this document ? "
----> fuck = fax 
2 Comments, 219 Views,
6 Votes
|
|
Jerry forgot 9/3/2011
Jerry forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning,
I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to
200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!"
The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the
window to find a box… gift-wrapped in the middle of the
driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. . . ...
1 Comments, 143 Views,
7 Votes
,2.28 Score
|
|
Our little girl is growing up !! 9/3/2011
This week we celebrate a special birthday.
Monica Lewinsky turns 50. Can you believe it ?
It seems like only yesterday, She was crawling around the White House on her hands and
knees, Putting everything in her mouth................
They grow up so fast, don't they?
2 Comments, 152 Views,
8 Votes
,2.09 Score
|
|
True Confessions 9/3/2011
Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says, "Twenty
years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you
can forgive me." His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest,
those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable.
I forgive you." They embraced and kissed.
On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back
swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry ...
1 Comments, 294 Views,
8 Votes
,2.78 Score
|
|
Cock 8/27/2011
A chicken farmer went to a local bar... Sat next to a woman
and ordered a glass of champagne..
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just
ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This
is a special day for me... I am celebrating'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!'
says the woman.
'What a ...
1 Comments, 183 Views,
14 Votes
,4.74 Score
|
|
Flying Insect 8/27/2011
A mother father and thier 7 y.o. were riding
down the road one day. They were behind a garbage truck..
When all of a sudden a big dildo flew out the truck and landed
right on the windshield of thier car! It took a few seconds but the father cut on the wipers and
knocked it off.. The mother trying to play it off..looks
at the and says "THAT WAS A FLYING INSECT"
THE BOY REPLIED: "FLYI...
1 Comments, 175 Views,
16 Votes
,6.80 Score
|
|
CAMEL SEX 8/26/2011
A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote
post in the Afghanistan Desert . During his first inspection
of the outfit, he noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess
tent.
He asks the PfC Verska why the camel is kept there. The nervous PFC said, 'Well sir, as you know, there
are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes
the men have 'urges'. That's why ...
3 Comments, 112 Views,
12 Votes
,5.98 Score
|
|
Sign language... 8/26/2011
A man is working in the garden when his wife is about to take
a shower. Realizing he couldn't find the rake, he yells
up to his wife who can't hear him. Improvising, he points
to his eye, then knee and makes a raking motion. "Eye.
Kneed. The rake." His wife, now naked, nods and tries
to do a mime herself - pointing to her eye, next she points
to her left breast, then she points to her backside, ...
1 Comments, 92 Views,
10 Votes
,3.58 Score
|
|
MY HANDS SHAKE SO BAD 8/24/2011
Three old guys are sitting around complaining.
The first guy says, "My hands shake so bad that when
I shaved this morning I almost cut my ear off."
The second guy says, "My hands shake so bad that when
I ate breakfast today, I spilled half my coffee on my toast."
The third guy says, "My hands shake so bad that the
last time I went to pee I came taking my cock ...
0 Comments, 75 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
|
|
WHATS THE BOARD FOR? 8/24/2011
These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore
they would never have anything to do with women again.
They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska
as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.
They got up there and went into a trader's store and
told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men
for one year."
The trader got ...
0 Comments, 79 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
|
|
OLE & LENA 8/24/2011
Ole & Lena were having dinner one evening when Ole reached across the table, took Lena's hand in his
and said, Lena, ya know, soon ve vill have been married
fer 50 years, and der's sometin
I gotta know. In all of dos 50 years, have ya ever been unfaithful
to me?"
Lena replied, "Vell Ole, I yust got to be honest vit
ya. Ya, it's true, I've been unfaithful to ya tree
times ...
2 Comments, 110 Views,
7 Votes
,3.55 Score
|
|
Just a few jokes for ya! 8/24/2011
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the
woman.
Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator? A. Why are YOU shaking she's going to eat ME!
Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while ...
1 Comments, 69 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
|
|
THE GOLF BALL & THE SAND WEDGE 8/24/2011
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband
is at work.
Her 9-year old comes home unexpectedly, sees them,
and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband
also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing
that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.' The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a ...
0 Comments, 108 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
|
|
CONFUSED 8/24/2011
I became confused when I heard the word "Service"
used with these agencies:
Internal Revenue 'Service' U.S. Postal 'Service' Telephone 'Service' Cable TV 'Service' Civil 'Service' State, City, County & Public 'Service' Customer 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them
said he had hired a ...
0 Comments, 74 Views,
6 Votes
,5.07 Score
|
|
THE TICKETS 8/24/2011
Working people frequently ask retired people what
they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, my wife and I went into
town and visited a shop.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, “Come on, man, how about giving
a senior citizen a break?”
He ignored us and continued ...
0 Comments, 90 Views,
8 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
|
24 HOURS TO LIVE 8/24/2011
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that
the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,
'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?' ...
0 Comments, 89 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score
|
|
MY FAVORITE ANIMAL 8/24/2011
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and
I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have
been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and
I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what
happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of
PETA.
He said they ...
1 Comments, 65 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
|
|
THE LAST NICKEL 8/24/2011
A father walks into a restaurant with his young .
He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and
starts slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.
Looking at his , the father is panicking, shouting for ...
1 Comments, 70 Views,
6 Votes
,4.22 Score
|
|
WILL I LIVE TO SEE 80 8/24/2011
Here's something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits
and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly
well' for my age. (I just turned sixty-something.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be
80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine
or hard ...
1 Comments, 83 Views,
10 Votes
,5.97 Score
|
|
LIFE EXPLAINED 8/24/2011
On the first day, God created the and said, "Sit
all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes
in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty
years."
The said, "That's a long time to be barking.
How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other
ten?"
So God agreed......
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, ...
0 Comments, 62 Views,
6 Votes
,4.50 Score
|
|
HISTORY 8/24/2011
Interesting piece of history
In 1872 Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's
lower intestine.
In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking
the intestine out of the goat first. ...
1 Comments, 90 Views,
7 Votes
,3.30 Score
|
|
Six- Foot Asshole! 8/24/2011
A university professor late for a class was stopped by a
policeman for speeding. The policeman asked for his insurance
and driver's license and returned to his car. After
a while he returned and handed the professor a ticket.
"You know" the professor said, I was late for
class and there are a lot of students waiting for me.
"What do you do at the University?" the officer ...
1 Comments, 156 Views,
9 Votes
,2.36 Score
|
|
blonde joke 8/24/2011
There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the
radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde
joke until the blonde was so mad that she turned her radio
off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a
corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped
out and yelled, "It's blondes like you that give
us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there ...
2 Comments, 148 Views,
8 Votes
,2.32 Score
|
|
Approval Ratings 8/24/2011
Obama's approval rating is SO low,
Kenyans are starting to accuse him of being born in America
1 Comments, 122 Views,
13 Votes
,2.47 Score
|
|
IRISH CONVENT 8/24/2011
In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior
lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make
her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm
milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then,
remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received
as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured
a ...
1 Comments, 86 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score
|
|
What do you charge 8/24/2011
One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee
Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at
his home in Dallas, Texas mowing his front lawn, as he always
did. > > > A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front
of his house, lowered the window and asked, "Excuse
me, do you speak English?"
Lee responded, "Yes M'aam, I do" > > > The lady then asked, "What ...
1 Comments, 104 Views,
5 Votes
,2.82 Score
|
|
The Least Favorite Christmas Toy 8/23/2011
A last minute Christmas toy that a friend of mine’s young
received –
a talking Muslim doll.
Nobody knows what the hell it says cause no one's got
the balls to pull the cord….
..
1 Comments, 82 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
|
|
DEODORANT 8/23/2011
I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said: Remove cap and push Up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room Smells lovely.
...
0 Comments, 49 Views,
6 Votes
,5.07 Score
|
|
AS I MATURE 8/23/2011
I've learned that you can not make someone love
you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give
in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people
are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust,
and it only takes suspicion, not proof to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen
minutes. ...
0 Comments, 66 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
|
|
a priest and his cock 8/23/2011
The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and
ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday
morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered
that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the
village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody
got a cock?
All the men stood up. ...
0 Comments, 72 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score
|
|
How Many Perverts Does it Take..... 8/23/2011
.....................................................................................................................How
many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb? Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it
out!
What's the definition of a ? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom? They'll never see you coming.
...
0 Comments, 66 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score
|
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Honest Abe 8/23/2011
A man wearing a stovepipe hat, a fake beard, and a waistcoat
sits down at a bar and orders a drink.
Going to a party? the bartender asks.
Yeah, the man replies, Im supposed to go dressed as my
love life.
But you look like Abe Lincoln.
Thats right. My last four scores were seven years ago.
0 Comments, 74 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score
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Medical Ethics..... 8/23/2011
A woman visiting her doctors office suddenly blurts out,
Doctor, kiss me! The doctor looks at her and says that it
would be against his code of ethics to kiss her.
About 20 minutes later the woman shouts again, Doctor,
please, kiss me just once! Again he refuses apologetically
but says that as a doctor he simply cannot kiss her.
Finally another 15 minutes pass, and the ...
0 Comments, 87 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
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"Deepest Condolences" 8/23/2011
Karen had lost her husband four years prior and was having
trouble moving on. Her repeatedly urged her to
return back to the world. Finally, Karen agreed to go out,
but didn't know anyone. Her knew just the
person for her.
They fell in love and after dating for six weeks, he asked
her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. Their first
night there, she undressed as he did. There ...
0 Comments, 95 Views,
7 Votes
,2.53 Score
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New Car Shopping...... 8/23/2011
A lady walked into a Lexus dealership to browse, and spotted
the most beautiful, perfect loaded Lexus and walked over
to inspect it closer. As she bent forward to feel the fine
leather upholstery, an unexpected little burst of flatulence
escaped her. Very embarassed, she anxiously looked around
to see if anyone had noticed. Sure enough, there standing
behind her was a salesman.
With a ...
0 Comments, 52 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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Truth in Politics.....a Farmer's Wisdom 8/23/2011
A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road,
when the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an
old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what
happened, went over to investigate.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out looking for
the missing politicos, saw the crashed bus, and asked the
farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The farmer ...
0 Comments, 55 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
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she only cheated 3 times in 50 years..... 8/23/2011
Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
Sam says to her, "Becky, I was wondering - have you
ever cheated on me?"
Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question
now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked. ...
0 Comments, 64 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score
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Valentine's Day Cards 8/23/2011
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,
balding man standing at the counter methodically placing
"Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with
hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle
and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the
balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm
sending ...
0 Comments, 68 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
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THE GIRL LODGER 8/23/2011
A Scottish couple took in an 19-year-old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house
told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted
to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes
out to darts, " she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her ...
0 Comments, 78 Views,
5 Votes
,4.12 Score
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JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN 8/23/2011
A guy calls the company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb.
weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands
before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed
in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around
her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight
loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can ...
0 Comments, 63 Views,
7 Votes
,4.57 Score
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LATEX GLOVES 8/23/2011
Next time you use a pair of latex gloves when you're
painting or crafting, you're going to smile when you
think of this:
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady,
was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he
put on his gloves.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't, ' she replied.
'Well, ' he spoofed, ...
0 Comments, 93 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
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Fear of What Goes Bump in the Night...... 8/23/2011
EVER SINCE I WAS A , I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE
UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM 'I've
got problems.
Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under
it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year, '
said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week
and we should be able ...
0 Comments, 63 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score
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California Legislature 8/23/2011
A bill is being introduced into the California Legislature.
the bill proposes making it legal to shoot street mimes.
Of course, you would have to use a silencer......
0 Comments, 43 Views,
2 Votes
,1.73 Score
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Redneck Etiquette 8/23/2011
GENERAL RULES: 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting
at them. 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the
will, it is still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral
home.
DINING OUT: 1. When decanting ...
2 Comments, 96 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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MEN .....BEWARE ! ! ! 8/23/2011
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, partygoers
and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious
when offered a drink from any woman.
A drug on the market called "beer"
is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The
drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available
almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and
in large "kegs." ...
0 Comments, 78 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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URGENT ! ! ! URGENT MEDICAL ALERT ! 8/23/2011
The CDC has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious,
potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally,
by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer
(WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues
or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!!
This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If
you ...
0 Comments, 52 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
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Tight!!! 8/23/2011
This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places
the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..."
she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts
moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says.
So in goes another one. She's really starting to get
worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!".
The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire
hand in, when she says moaning ...
1 Comments, 114 Views,
3 Votes
,4.90 Score
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AGING 8/23/2011
MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME,
DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL
CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
...
1 Comments, 105 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score
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THE QUEEN & DOLLY 8/23/2011
The Queen & Dolly Go To Heaven !! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to
Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day,
so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason
why she should go ...
0 Comments, 70 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
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One Liner's 8/23/2011
Q. What is the last thing you want to hear in a GAY bar? A. May I push your stool in?
Q. Do you know what the square root of 69 is? A. Ate something. (8.xxxxxxx....)
Q. But do you know what 6.9 is? A. A good thing screwed up by a period.
Q. You know what it taste like to go down on a 80 year-old woman?
A. Depends.
Q. You know what it looks like? A. Ever tried ...
0 Comments, 71 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
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at Church the Other Day....... 8/23/2011
There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day.
As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that
this girl is not wearing any panties. He then calls the girl
and gives her $50 and says "Little girl, take this
money and buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk
around without any panties on." The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother
and asks her ...
0 Comments, 88 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
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Pest Control Inspection 8/23/2011
A married woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector
from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying
on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home
unexpectedly.
"Quick, " said the woman to her lover, "into
the closet!" She pushed him into the closet stark
naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search
of the bedroom ...
0 Comments, 86 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
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FOOTBALL EXPLAINED TO A BLONDE 8/23/2011
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football
game. They had great seats right behind their team's
bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
'Oh, I really liked it, ' she replied, 'especially
the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't
understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'
Dumbfounded, her date asked, ...
0 Comments, 66 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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THE KOALA & THE LIZARD 8/23/2011
A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when
a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey
Koala! What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala
where they enjoyed a few joints.
After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry'
and that he was ...
0 Comments, 59 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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Piss Pot Pete at the Blue Balls Bar 8/23/2011
Now gather round and I'll tell a story of old,
When men were brave and women were bold. It all started a way out west, To settle the bet of who was best.
Now Old Lill f*cked everything that crawled or creeped,
And piled her victims in a great big heap. There wasn't a man for miles around With a big enough rod to f*ck her down.
Now news of this boast traveled far and wide; ...
1 Comments, 95 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
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BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO 8/23/2011
A lover, whose was a female and "in heat',
agreed to look after and house her neighbor's male
while they were away on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep them
apart , but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful
howling and moaning sounds . She rushed downstairs and
found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable
to disengage , ...
0 Comments, 112 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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SEX AND GOOD GRAMMER 8/23/2011
On his 70th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from
his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living
on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful
cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed
his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to ...
0 Comments, 75 Views,
6 Votes
,4.22 Score
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3 LITTLE PIGS 8/23/2011
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs
to her class.
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying
to gather the building materials for his home.
She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow
full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have
some of that straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked ...
0 Comments, 84 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
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THE WEDDING NIGHT 8/23/2011
Roger , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old . Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after
their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms,
because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may
over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself
for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure ...
0 Comments, 93 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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FROM THE MOUTH OF BABES 8/23/2011
A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle
of Turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid
in the world; it's called Turpentine.'
The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the
world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a ...
0 Comments, 74 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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IT'S BEEN A TOUGH YEAR 8/23/2011
The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit
card in the mail.
I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the behind
the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient
Funds, " you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them .
Hot Wheels and Matchbox ...
0 Comments, 56 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
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"Cindy" 8/23/2011
A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of
his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams
into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him
are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages
to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce
of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested
sea to a remote island.
Sprawled on ...
0 Comments, 120 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score
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Momma 8/23/2011
A man was making love to his wife one night when their 12 yr.
old burst into their room. The father never missed a
stroke just looked up at the boy and started laughing. HA
HA HA A few days later the father heard a noise coming from his
's room and went to investigate. When he walked
in, he saw his screwing the hell out of his(the boy's)
grandmother. The boy looked up and said:'Yeah Dad.
It's ...
1 Comments, 183 Views,
9 Votes
,3.85 Score
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THE MARINE 8/23/2011
A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine
Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before
the school year started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part
of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and
wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found
himself assigned to the toughest students in the ...
2 Comments, 141 Views,
12 Votes
,5.10 Score
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Masturbation 8/23/2011
A man tells his , "if you don't stop masturbating,
you'll go blind." His replies, "Dad I'm over here!"
2 Comments, 135 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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QUICK DRAW 8/23/2011
A cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized
an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the
reputation of being the fastest gun in the west. The young
cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink
and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you
think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, ...
1 Comments, 104 Views,
8 Votes
,4.87 Score
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grandpa 8/23/2011
My small granson got lost at the mall the other day
He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've
Lost My Grandpa!"
The Guard smiled and asked "Whats he like?"
The little tyke hesitated for a second and replied
"CROWN ROYAL WHISKEY AND WOMEN WITH BIG TITS..."...
1 Comments, 110 Views,
6 Votes
,5.36 Score
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Fable of the porcupine 8/23/2011
It was the coldest winter ever. - Many animals died because
of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation,
decided to group together. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the
quills of each one wounded their closest companions even
though they gave off heat to each other.
After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one
from the other and they began to die, ...
1 Comments, 96 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
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No Waffles For Me Either! 8/23/2011
One a mother and her two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding
in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked
Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out "Ouch
you fucking wanker!" later that day in church, the
mom went to talk to the priest. she said "Father, my
boys just won't stop swearing and I don't know
what to do." the priest says "Well, have you
tried smacking them?" she said ...
0 Comments, 109 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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ORIGINAL 8/23/2011
This is ORIGINAL MATERIAL ONLY - Discussion topics are
for original material written by ME
1 Comments, 57 Views,
7 Votes
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The Parrot 8/23/2011
A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on
a little >>perch. >>It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says
aloud, "Golly, I wonder >>what >>happened to this parrot?" >> >>The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm
>>a defective parrot." >> >>"Holy crap, " the guy replies. "You
actually understood and answered me!" >> >>"I got every word, " says the parrot.
"I happen to be a ...
0 Comments, 84 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
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Five Important Qualities! 8/23/2011
Five Important Qualities
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home,
who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. 2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust
and who doesn't lie to you. 4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed
and who likes to be with you. 5. It's very, very important that ...
1 Comments, 90 Views,
8 Votes
,5.10 Score
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Just hold me 8/23/2011
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion
is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel
like it. I just want you to hold me." The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains
that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight
and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband ...
2 Comments, 144 Views,
12 Votes
,3.86 Score
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BLACK EYE 8/23/2011
Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black
eye.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day." replied Roy . "I
had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep.
When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get
him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.
Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big ...
1 Comments, 106 Views,
10 Votes
,4.78 Score
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A Good Date! 8/23/2011
These three teenage girls were roommates. One Friday night
right after the semester started they had all gone out on
dates, and by chance all came home at about the same time.
The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face,
"You know you've been on a good date when you come
home with your hair all messed up."
The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's ...
1 Comments, 113 Views,
8 Votes
,3.01 Score
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A VIRUS JUST FOR US 8/21/2011
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus.
Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot
take care of this one.
It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960.
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. done that!
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail !that too!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the ...
1 Comments, 46 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
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ADAM 8/21/2011
God said, 'Adam, I Want you to do Something for Me.'
Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You Want me to do?'
God said, 'Go down Into that valley.'
Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'
God explained it to Him. Then God said, 'Cross the river.'
Adam said, 'What's a River?'
God explained that To him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill....'
...
1 Comments, 46 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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SOME FUNNIES 8/21/2011
The most common sexual position for married couples
is doggy style. Husband sits and begs for pussy and the wife
rolls over and plays dead.
The sex professor asks: "Do you know what your asshole
is doing while your having an orgasm?" Woman replies, "Probably
deer hunting with his friends"
Quote of the day: Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going
down on your cousin. Sure it ...
2 Comments, 93 Views,
7 Votes
,5.08 Score
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FAT TUESDAY 8/21/2011
What is the difference between Fat Tuesday and Mardi Gras?
Mardi Gras is an all-night party in New Orleans, Fat Tuesday
is who you wake up with the morning after!
0 Comments, 15 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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MARDI GRAS in NEW ORLEANS 8/21/2011
How do you know you went to Mardi Gras? You wake up on a sidewalk and the only things in your pants
pockets are your car keys and a court summons. You wake up and discover a Tattoo of "Beignets Rule"
on your ass.
0 Comments, 26 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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ECONOMY AFFECTS MARDI GRAS ! 8/21/2011
How is the bad economy affecting Mardi Gras? Now when you throw beads, women only flash one boob!
0 Comments, 27 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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Goin to N'awlins 8/21/2011
These two Black guys were traveling through north Louisiana
on their way from Chicago to Mardi Gras. This old hick sheriff
sees them and pulls them over. The driver says, "Officer,
what did I do?" The cop answers, "Boy, get out
of that car and let me see your license." The Black
guy gets out of the car and says "But officer, what
did I do?" Wham! The old cop hits him on the side of his
head and ...
0 Comments, 54 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
|
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You Might Be Cajun If...... 8/21/2011
you start an angel food cake with a roux.
watching the "wild kingdom" inspires you to
write a cookbook.
you think a lobster is a crawfish on steriods.
you take a bite of 5-alarm southwest chili and reach for
the tabasco.
you pass up a trip abroad to go to the crawfish festival in
breaux bridge.
your mama announces each morning, "well, I've
got the rice ...
0 Comments, 22 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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YOU Might Be From LOUISIANA If....... 8/21/2011
When out of town, you stop and ask someone where there is
a drive-thru daiquiri place, and they look at you like you
have three heads. ...The crawdad mounds in your front yard
have overtaken the grass. ...Every so often, you have waterfront
property. ...You learned to drive a boat before you could
drive a car. ...You know the meaning of a "Delcambre
Reeboks" (That would be a pair of all white ...
0 Comments, 27 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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N'awlins Dahlin 8/21/2011
You know you are from Louisiana if...
* The crawdad mounds in your front yard have overtaken the
grass.
* You greet people with "Howzyamomma'an'dem?"
and hear back "Dey fine!"
* Every so often, you have waterfront property.
* When giving directions you use words like "uptown",
"downtown", "backatown", "riverside",
"lakeside", "other side of the bayou"
or "other ...
0 Comments, 40 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
|
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Box of Crabs 8/21/2011
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen
crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care
of the box for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.
He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally
responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that
he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about ...
0 Comments, 88 Views,
9 Votes
,5.78 Score
|
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SPREAD THE WORD 8/21/2011
Yep, this pretty much covers it all!!!
If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport - you'll
get a free x-ray and a breast exam, and; if you mention Al
Qaeda, you'll get a free colonoscopy. ...
0 Comments, 48 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score
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ONLY IN AMERICA BY A LAWYER 8/21/2011
This took place in Charlotte North Carolina. A lawyer
purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then
insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these
great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance
company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in
a series of small fires..' The ...
0 Comments, 67 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
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SATAN 8/21/2011
A few minutes before the church services started, the
congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly,
Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from
evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman
who sat calmly in his ...
0 Comments, 69 Views,
9 Votes
,5.56 Score
|
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BLACK AND GAY 8/21/2011
At the end of a tiny deserted bar in downtown Detroit
sat a huge black man. He was having a few beers when a short,
well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside
him.
After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to
say a few words to the big black man.
Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want
a blow job?"
At this, the massive ...
2 Comments, 159 Views,
9 Votes
,5.35 Score
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3 Daughters 8/21/2011
There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married
but they couldn't afford it and neither could their
parents. So the parents said "We will give you all
a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".
So they got married and all three daughters then said "I
want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents
couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would ...
1 Comments, 107 Views,
6 Votes
,4.22 Score
|
|
Tax 8/21/2011
One day a went to file her taxes, and for occupation
she put .
The tax collector explained that was an illegal
occupation.
She said she'd have to go home and think about it and
that she'd call him back in a hour with her occupation.
An hour later she called him and said, "I've got
it... I'm a chicken farmer."
He said, "How do you get chicken farmer out of ." ...
0 Comments, 63 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score
|
|
Radio Mishap 8/21/2011
There was this old woman who heard a song called "Two
Lips and Seven Kisses." She called up information
after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the
record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up
a gas station, and she asks, "Do you have "Two
Lips and Seven Kisses?"
The gas station attendant who answered the phone said,
"No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!" ...
0 Comments, 51 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
|
|
Best Friend's Girl.. 8/21/2011
Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner.
When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start,
and it was too late to call the local service station.
The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare
bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie
would have to sleep with the husband and wife.
No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the ...
0 Comments, 93 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
|
|
Office 8/21/2011
A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife:
"Honey, I got a new secretary. And imagine what happened!
She's got a red and white bra. You know, these are the
colors of my favorite football team. Anyway, it's
not a big deal but it feels good."
The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How
was your day?"
The man says: "Fantastic! It's not only her bra
that is ...
0 Comments, 86 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
|
|
Priest 8/21/2011
A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and
came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My ,
you shouldn't be doing that, " said the priest.
"You should be saving that for when you get married."
The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said,
"Yes, Father."
About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young
man, in his early twenties, came ...
0 Comments, 71 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
|
|
Golf 8/21/2011
One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got
a set of golf clubs for my wife!" the other replies,
"GREAT trade!"
0 Comments, 59 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
|
|
Witticisms of Ignorance 8/20/2011
It 's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart"?
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.
when blondes have more fun do they know it? ...
0 Comments, 55 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
|
|
IRISH FARMER BREAKING NEWS 8/20/2011
An Irish farmer has successfuly grown a field full of
dildos.
Now he has problems with squatters. ...
1 Comments, 72 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score
|
|
CAKE OR BED 8/20/2011
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.
FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE
DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE ...
0 Comments, 82 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
|
|
2 DWARFS 8/20/2011
2 dwarfs pickup 2 girls & take them home,
1st dwarf cant get it up and to make things worse, all he can
hear is the 2nd dwarf saying "hear i come again 1 2 3
uuuhh.."
The next morning 1st dwarf says to the 2nd dwarf,
"how embarrasing i didnt even get an erection"
2nd dwarf says you think thats bad i couldnt even get on the
bed!...
0 Comments, 56 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
|
|
KFC BARGAIN 8/20/2011
Last night a complete stranger asked me if I liked breasts
or thighs, I told him that I preferred a hot, wet, pussy.
Apparently that wasn’t an option with the KFC Bargain
Bucket....
1 Comments, 61 Views,
5 Votes
,4.12 Score
|
|
Grannie 8/20/2011
What do you call the the little bit of hair between your Grandma's
titties?
Her vagina....
0 Comments, 61 Views,
5 Votes
,1.19 Score
|
|
legs 8/20/2011
duuring a heavy artillery barrage;
PRIVATE: "Sh1t! I've lost my leg! I'VE LOST
MY LEG!"
SGT: "No you haven't . Look, it's lying
over there."
1 Comments, 74 Views,
8 Votes
|
|
sick one 8/20/2011
My history teacher once asked me if I knew what the holocaust
was.
Hilarious, was apparently not the correct answer
4 Comments, 88 Views,
12 Votes
|
|
JUST A TAP 8/20/2011
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question
and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit
a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from
a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.
Then, the still shaking driver said, "Are you OK? ...
0 Comments, 60 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
|
|
Nurse Jenny 8/20/2011
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining
about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb.
She does everything absolutely backwards." said
one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient
2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10
milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier
this week, I told her to ...
1 Comments, 21 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
|
|
Economy 8/20/2011
The economy is so bad that: I received a pre-declined credit card in the mail
CEO's are now playing miniature golf Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen
Angelina Jolie adopted a from America
Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore
A picture is now only worth 200 words
They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street"
Finally, I called the Suicide ...
1 Comments, 70 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
|
|
MARRIAGE COUNSELING 8/20/2011
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for
counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had
in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire
laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. ...
1 Comments, 70 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
|
|
raise request 8/20/2011
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:
I do physical labor I work at great depths I plunge head-first into everything I do ...I do not get weekends off I work in a damp environment I work in high temperatures My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Sincerely your penis
Dear Penis,
You do not work 8 hours straight ...
1 Comments, 40 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
|
Lil girl and the birdie 8/20/2011
So the little girl went to her neighbors house and walked
in. The neighbor guy was standing there naked. lil girl
asks, "Whats that?" man replies, "oh,
that's my birdie." lil girl goes home. next day lil girl goes back to neighbors
to find him naked again. she askes, "What are those?"
man replies, "Those are the birdies eggs."
lil girl goes back home to come back on the third day and once
again, ...
1 Comments, 66 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score
|
|
TOP 10 COUNTRY AND WESTERN SONGS. 2010 8/20/2011
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman; But I
Woke Up With A Few.
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's
Me.
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm
Scared She'd Win .
5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're
Still Here.
4. ...
1 Comments, 50 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
|
|
construction workers 8/20/2011
construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed
a handsaw. so he spots another worker on the ground floor
and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker
on the 5th floor tries sign langauge. He pointed to his eye
meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need",
then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The
man on teh ground floor nods his head, pulls down ...
1 Comments, 62 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
|
|
lesbian squirrels 8/20/2011
Do lesbian squirrels still eat nuts???
No, but they are known to attack beavers.
1 Comments, 62 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
|
|
CAR TROUBLE 8/20/2011
An Eskimo's car breaks down in Montana. The mechanic
says, "You blew a seal."
The Eskimo says, "So what, you fuck sheep."...
2 Comments, 82 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score
|
|
KATE MIDDLETON 8/20/2011
Kate Middleton asks the Queen the secret of a successful
marriage. The Queen says "Wear a seat belt and don't piss
me off!"...
1 Comments, 81 Views,
6 Votes
,1.66 Score
|
|
A SAN DIEGO RESIDENT 8/19/2011
A 23 year old resident of San Diego, was visiting her
in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to
pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her
sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled
up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back
of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car.
He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she ...
0 Comments, 82 Views,
7 Votes
,2.79 Score
|
|
Paradoxical thought for today. 8/19/2011
"Fathom the odd hypocrisy that the government
wants every citizen to prove that they are insured, but
people don't have to prove they are citizens."
...
0 Comments, 40 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score
|
|
SEX AFTER DEATH 8/19/2011
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come
back and inform the other if there was sex after death. Their biggest
fear was that there was no after-life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to
die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Judy..........Judy"
"Is that you, George?"
"Yes, I've come back like we ...
0 Comments, 78 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
|
|
THE OLDER CROWD 8/19/2011
A distraught senior citizen
Phoned her doctor's office. 'Is it true, ' she wanted to know, 'that the medication You prescribed has to be taken
For the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so, ' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence Before the senior lady replied,
I'm wondering, then, Just how serious is my condition
Because this prescription is ...
0 Comments, 76 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score
|
|
TWO OLD GUYS 8/19/2011
Two old guys Are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
When they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, And I guess I wasn't paying attention To where I was going.
The second old guy says, 'That's OK, it's
a coincidence.. I'm looking for my wife, too..' I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate'
The ...
0 Comments, 91 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score
|
|
TWO OLD GUYS TALKING 8/19/2011
One said to the other: "My 75th birthday yesterday.
Wife gave me an SUV".
Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an
SUV! What a great gift!" First guy: "Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!...
0 Comments, 77 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
|
WHEN I WAS A BOY 8/19/2011
When I was a boy, Momma would send me down to a corner store
with $1, and I would come back with 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves
of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese and 6 eggs.
You can't do that now....to many fuckin security cameras....
0 Comments, 64 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
|
|
Play Date 8/19/2011
2 little girls were having a play date at one of the girl's
house. They happend to walk past the parent's room
and looked in. The mother was giving the father a very good
blow job. One girl said to the other: "You see that
shit? And she whips me for sucking my thumb!"
0 Comments, 70 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score
|
|
JOE & THE PUSSY 8/19/2011
Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing
a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop
staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes
she has gone without underwear.
The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are
you looking at my pussy?"
"Yes, I'm sorry, " says Joe and promises
to avert his eyes.
"It's quite ...
1 Comments, 173 Views,
10 Votes
,3.19 Score
|
|
wife has the last say 8/18/2011
Wife has the last say...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were
doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning
the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers
from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife "Your
rear end is almost as wide as this grill" ...
0 Comments, 83 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
|
|
Black Bra 8/18/2011
The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.. ...
2 Comments, 142 Views,
9 Votes
,4.92 Score
|
|
Deaf sex 8/18/2011
Two deaf people get married and during the first week of
marriage they find that they are unable to communicate
in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't
see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights
of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife
figures out a solution.
She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't
we agree on some simple ...
7 Comments, 144 Views,
14 Votes
,6.02 Score
|
|
hillbillies and safe sex! 8/18/2011
How do hillbillies practice safe sex? They spray paint
x's on the sheep that kick!!
1 Comments, 74 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
|
|
The Gynecologist 8/18/2011
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance
and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would
be beneficial; he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening
classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the ...
5 Comments, 188 Views,
16 Votes
,5.63 Score
|
|
BLONDE GUY JOKE 8/18/2011
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction
work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned
beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more
time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos
again! If I get burritos one more ...
1 Comments, 81 Views,
7 Votes
,3.04 Score
|
|
SERVICE...CONFUSED 8/18/2011
I became confused when I heard the word "Service"
used with these agencies:
Internal Revenue 'Service' U.S. Postal 'Service' Telephone 'Service' Cable TV 'Service' Civil 'Service' State, City, County & Public 'Service' Customer 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them
said he had hired a bull ...
0 Comments, 37 Views,
6 Votes
,5.36 Score
|
|
LIFE BEFORE COMPUTERS 8/18/2011
*MEMORY WAS SOMETHING YOU LOST WITH AGE.
*AN APPLICATION WAS FOR EMPLOYMENT.
*A PROGRAM WAS A TV SHOW.
*A CURSOR USED PROFANITY.
*A KEYBOARD WAS ON A PIANO.
*A WEB WAS A SPIDER'S HOME.
*A CD WAS A BANK ACCOUNT.
*A HARD DRIVE WAS A LONG TRIP ON THE ROAD.
*A MOUSE PAD WAS WHERE A MOUSE LIVED.
*AND IF YOU HAD A 31/2 ...
0 Comments, 37 Views,
3 Votes
,4.90 Score
|
|
Love 8/18/2011
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room and messes up your stuff,
eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and
never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first
place -- you either married it or gave birth to it!
0 Comments, 37 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
|
|
Army,Marines,Air Force........ 8/18/2011
A soldier, a marine, and an airman got into a fight about
which service is best. The fight was so heated, that they
killed each other.
Soon, they found themselves in Heaven. They see St. Peter
walk by and ask, “Which Branch of Service is the best?”
St. Peter replied, “I can't answer that. But, I will
ask God what He thinks the next time I see Him.”
Some time ...
0 Comments, 50 Views,
3 Votes
,1.96 Score
|
|
The Navy Chief and His Parrot 8/18/2011
The old Navy Chief finally retired and got that chicken
ranch he always wanted. He took with him his life-long pet parrot.
First morning at 0430, the parrot squawked loudly and said,
“Reveille, Reveille. Up all hands. Heave out and trice up. The smoking lamp is lighted,
now Reveille.”
The old chief told the parrot, “We are no longer in the
Navy. Go back to sleep.” ...
0 Comments, 53 Views,
5 Votes
,0.86 Score
|
|
Cornbread 8/18/2011
On Coast Guard cutters, low-ranking crew members take
turns in the galley helping the cooks. One young seaman
aboard was always dropping dishes and spilling food.
One day, alone in the galley, he noticed an unfrosted yellow
sheet cake cooling on a counter. Determined to rectify
past errors, the seaman made chocolate icing and decorated
the cake with it. The seaman stood proudly by the ...
0 Comments, 66 Views,
5 Votes
,1.84 Score
|
|
A Cajun in Hell 8/18/2011
After he was dead, a Cajun discovered himself in Hell. He
looked around awhile, then went right to work shoveling
brimstone. The devil came up to him and said, "How
you like it here, my friend? It's hard work and it's
hot, yeah?"
The Cajun just smiled and answered, "It not so bad.
The work is steady. I got no problem with steady work. And
it ain't so hot. You think this is hot? Man, I'm ...
0 Comments, 69 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score
|
|
The Mardi Gras 8/18/2011
Q: How is the bad economy affecting Mardi Gras? A: Now when
you throw beads, women only flash one boob!
Q: What is the difference between Fat Tuesday and Mardi
Gras? A: Mardi Gras is an all-night party in New Orleans,
Fat Tuesday is who you wake up with the morning after!
Q: Women are better communicators than men, but why do they
get nude at Mardi Gras? A: ...
1 Comments, 44 Views,
4 Votes
,2.08 Score
|
|
Valerie 8/18/2011
The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather
dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late
forties or early fifties.
'May I help you sir?' she asked. 'I want to
see Valerie, ' the man replied.
'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.
'No, I must see Valerie, ' he replied. Just ...
0 Comments, 98 Views,
8 Votes
,4.17 Score
|
|
first time 8/18/2011
A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother
on her first visit home since starting university. "Mum,
I have to tell you, " the girl confessed. "I
lost my virginity last weekend." "I'm
not surprised, " said her mother. "It was bound
to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and
pleasurable experience." "Well, yes and no, "
the pretty student remarked. "The first ...
0 Comments, 91 Views,
2 Votes
|
|
True story 8/18/2011
My worked for a Mfg Rep for Target.
The no good SOBs at ###### got her fired, reporting her for
not doing her work, which I know she did because I illegally
helped her do it.
That is here or there now--- water under the bridge so to
speak.
My oldest Grand aged 12 at the time went with us
one day because she was sick and did not go to school.
Bottom line--- my ...
0 Comments, 395 Views,
8 Votes
|
|
Once more 8/18/2011
An interesting letter in the Australian Shooter Magazine
this week, which I quote:
"If you consider that there has been an average of
160, 000 troops in the Iraq Theater of operations during the past 22 months, and
a total of 2112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100, 000
soldiers.
The firearm death rate in Washington, DC is 80.6 per 100, 000
for the same ...
1 Comments, 103 Views,
6 Votes
,2.51 Score
|
|
WHY CAN'T? 8/17/2011
Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands!...
1 Comments, 64 Views,
9 Votes
,1.93 Score
|
|
Anti-Muslim Effort 8/17/2011
PLEASE DON'T FORGET NEXT SATURDAY!
WALK NAKED IN AMERICA DAY
Don't forget to mark your calendars.
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see
any woman other
Than his wife naked and if he does, he must commit suicide.
So next Saturday at 1 P.M. Eastern Time, all American women
are asked to walk out of their house ...
0 Comments, 167 Views,
11 Votes
,4.10 Score
|
|
Toast 8/17/2011
Three newlywed couples check into a hotel on the same night
as the wives go to their rooms to ready themselves for a night
of passion the husbands have a drink in the bar, they soon
get talking and decide on a bet on who will have the most sex
that night so they agree on a code to let each other know,
at breakfast the next morning they will order 1 round of
toast for every time they had sex that ...
0 Comments, 59 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
|
|
girls holiday 8/17/2011
A group of girlfriends is on holiday when they see a 5-story
hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only".
Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands,
they decide to go in.
The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how
it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and
once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there.
It's easy to decide since each ...
0 Comments, 72 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
|
|
Four nuns 8/17/2011
Four nuns are standing in line to get into heaven. St. Paul
says to the the first one, "Have you ever touched a
penis before." The nun says "Yeah, with my finger."
St. Paul says, "Dip your finger in the holy water efore
you enter." The second one says, "With my hand."
And she has to dip her whole hand in. The third one's
about to answer, but the fourth one pushes her out of the
way and shouts, ...
0 Comments, 64 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score
|
|
LORENA BOBBITT UPDATE 8/17/2011
In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena
Bobbitt 's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged
attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous
sister had done several years ago.
Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband
in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and ...
0 Comments, 60 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
|
|
shop lifter injured 8/17/2011
Orville Smith, a store manager for Best Buys in Augusta,
Georgia, told police he observed a male customer, later
identified as Tyrone Jackson of Augusta, on surveillance
cameras putting a laptop computer under his jacket. When
confronted the man became irate, knocked down an employee,
drew a knife and ran for the door.
Outside on the sidewalk were four Marines collecting toys
for the ...
0 Comments, 69 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
|
|
IRISH MILLIONAIRE 8/17/2011
Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be
A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had
already won 500, 000 pounds.
"You've done very well so far, " said Chris
Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million
pounds you've only got one life-line left, phone a
friend.
Everything is riding on this question.....will you go
for it?"
"Sure, " said Mick. ...
0 Comments, 70 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score
|
|
THE GOOD SAMARITAN 8/17/2011
Bob goes into the public restroom and sees a man standing
next to the urinal. The man has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business,
he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take
a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to
help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says 'Okay, sure.'
'Can you unzip my zipper?' asks the man. 'Okay, ' says ...
0 Comments, 65 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score
|
|
GOLF 8/17/2011
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one
morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys?
We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've
never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper.
Let's have a word with him."
He said, ...
1 Comments, 149 Views,
10 Votes
,4.78 Score
|
|
parrot 8/17/2011
On reaching his seat on the plane a man is surprised to see
a parrot strapped into the seat next to him.
When the stewardess asks what they’d like the man requests
a cup of coffee, and the parrot squawks "and get me
a whisky you lazy bitch."
The stewardess obviously flustered by the parrot’s
outburst brings back the whisky but inadvertently forgets
the man’s coffee. ...
0 Comments, 86 Views,
4 Votes
,2.47 Score
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last day 8/16/2011
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years
of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the
same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted
by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent
him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine
cigars.
The folks at ...
1 Comments, 77 Views,
8 Votes
,5.10 Score
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PRIEST'S RETIREMENT DINNER 8/16/2011
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner
after 25 years in the parish.
leading local politician and member of the congregation
was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little
speech at the dinner.
However, since the politician was delayed, the priest
decided to say his own few words while they waited:
‘I got my first impression of the ...
0 Comments, 42 Views,
7 Votes
,5.59 Score
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THE TRUTH COMES OUT 8/16/2011
A man is sitting at home on the veranda with his wife and
he says, "I love you."
She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
He replies, "It's me.......... talking to the
BEER." ...
0 Comments, 42 Views,
7 Votes
,5.84 Score
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fruit 8/16/2011
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit.
"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and
describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm
talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and
red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher,
wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered
"An apple." The teacher replied, "No
Deborah, it's a ...
4 Comments, 102 Views,
7 Votes
,3.04 Score
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CHICKENS 8/16/2011
My Aunt had 12 chickens, by mistake she fed them sawdust.
They laid eggs without and problem, and the eggs hatched
without a problem....
11 chickens were born with wooden legs and one was born a
wood pecker......
0 Comments, 41 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score
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IF YOU GREW UP IN WISCONSIN 8/16/2011
*You know how to polka, but never tried it sober.
*You know what knee-high by the Fourth of July means.
*You know it is traditional for the bride and groom to go
bar hopping between the reception and wedding dance.
*You know the difference between "Green" and
"Red" farm machinery, and would fight with
your friends on the playground over which was better!
...
0 Comments, 47 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
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NEW USE FOR WINDEX 8/16/2011
I haven't checked ' Snopes' to see if this
actually Works or Not . .. . But they say,
If you ever get the sudden URGE to run around naked,
You should sniff some Windex first..
It'll keep you from streaking. ...
0 Comments, 53 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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SEX OF A FLY 8/16/2011
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females, " he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone." ...
0 Comments, 134 Views,
7 Votes
,4.06 Score
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Old Bull Wisdom 8/16/2011
An Old Bull and Young Bull was standing on the hill over looking
their pasture of cows they were responsible for mating
with.
The Young Bull says I have a half of a mind to run down into
the pasture and mate with half of our cows.
The Old Bull suggests -- Why don't we walk down there
and mate with them ALL.
0 Comments, 165 Views,
6 Votes
,3.08 Score
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A GIRL VISITS THE DOCTOR 8/16/2011
A girl asks her doctor 'How many calories are there in sperm? The doctor replies: 'Trust me love, if you swallow
no one cares how fat you are!!...
0 Comments, 133 Views,
6 Votes
,5.93 Score
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INFLATABLE DOLL 8/16/2011
Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable
doll. Guy behind the counter says , 'Male or female?'
Customer says , 'Female.' Counter guy asks , 'Black or white? Customer says , 'White.' Counter guy asks , 'Christian or Muslim?' Customer
says , 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?
Counter guy says , 'The Muslim one blows itself up...
0 Comments, 178 Views,
12 Votes
,5.63 Score
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LISTENING TO MUSIC 8/16/2011
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized
I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really,
really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished
my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
...
0 Comments, 85 Views,
8 Votes
,5.80 Score
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HE SAID TO ME 8/16/2011
*He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra;
you've got nothing to put in it I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you?
*He said to me ... . .......... Shall we try swapping positions
tonight? I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove &
sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart
*He said to me.. ... What have you been doing with all the ...
0 Comments, 99 Views,
9 Votes
,5.56 Score
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Day at the Beach 8/16/2011
A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle.
He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The
genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle.
In return I will grant you three wishes." The man says
"Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly
what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank
account." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a ...
0 Comments, 67 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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Why Married Women are Heavier Than Single Women 8/16/2011
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women? A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge
and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in
bed and go to the fridge.
0 Comments, 49 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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Sunday in Church....... 8/16/2011
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny
Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church.
Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their
pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts
screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling
each other in their determined efforts to get away ...
0 Comments, 130 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
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Politically Correct & Prescriptions for Women 8/16/2011
Politically CORRECT He does not have a BEER GUT. He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not a BAD DANCER. He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME. He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not BALDING. He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION. ...
1 Comments, 72 Views,
6 Votes
,3.65 Score
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prize fighter 8/15/2011
A prize fighter was driving through Scotland - on a winter
holiday with his wife. He said, "I’ve been thinking.
I’ve always heard how tough Highlanders are. Here I am
with a 20-0 record in the ring. I feel like I’m tough but
I’ve never fought a Jock. It’s got me to wondering."
The wife said, "Oh, that doesn’t make any difference.
You’re successful at what you do. You’ve ...
0 Comments, 106 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
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three whiskeys 8/15/2011
A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat, he goes to
the bar and orders three whiskys. The cat shouts "I’m not paying" "I know" says the man "I’m paying."
A little later he comes to the bar again, and orders three
whiskeys, "I’m not paying" shouts the cat
again, again the man tells him that he is paying.
The man comes to the bar a third time, and again the cat ...
0 Comments, 141 Views,
6 Votes
,4.22 Score
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dead sex 8/15/2011
A man was brought before the judge and charged with Necrophilia
(having sex with a dead woman). The judge told him, 'In 20 years on the bench, I've
never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't
lock you up and throw away the key!'
The man replied, 'I'll give you THREE good reasons:
1. It's none of your damn business. ...
0 Comments, 135 Views,
2 Votes
,1.04 Score
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a cynic believes... 8/15/2011
a cynic believes all women are bad. An optimist hopes so....
0 Comments, 63 Views,
3 Votes
,1.96 Score
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for the Irish! 8/15/2011
During their traditional dancing why do the Irish dance
with their arms down while the Scot's dance
with their arms up?
The Irish never surrendered!
0 Comments, 113 Views,
4 Votes
,0.14 Score
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a sick one... 8/15/2011
A husband gets into a car accident and after waiting for
what seemed like forever the wife finally gets the report
from the Doctor, and he says well I've good news and
I've got bad news for you..'well give me the bad
news first' the wife says , Well you husband has lost
both his arms and he has brain damage so you will probably
have to feed him and change his diapers for the rest of his
life.' ...
3 Comments, 245 Views,
11 Votes
,1.11 Score
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UNANWERED PRAYER 8/15/2011
The preacher's 5 year-old noticed that
her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment
before starting his sermon.
One day, she asked him why.
"Well, Honey, "he began, proud that his
was so observant of his messages.
"I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked....
1 Comments, 160 Views,
7 Votes
,3.04 Score
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T H E I T A L I A N E L B O W 8/15/2011
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown
grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am
inna apartmenta 301
There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow
, pusha button 301. I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.
Get in, and with you elbow , pusha 3.
When you get out, ...
1 Comments, 73 Views,
5 Votes
,2.49 Score
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Irish Viagra 8/15/2011
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to
ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra, ' asked the doctor?
'Not a chance', she said... 'He won't
even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem, ' replied the doctor. 'Give
him an Irish Viagra...
It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his ...
0 Comments, 134 Views,
7 Votes
,3.80 Score
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An old golfing story 8/15/2011
The young woman stormed into the clubbhouse and shouted
at the golf pro, "I just got stung by yellowjackets!"
The young pro asked, "Where?"
"Between the first and second hole", she replied.
"Gosh", he responded. "You must have
been standing right over their nest!"
0 Comments, 93 Views,
5 Votes
,1.51 Score
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LIMERICKS 8/14/2011
There once was a mouse called Keith Who circumcised boys with his teeth It wasn't for leisure or sexual pleasure But to get to the cheese underneath! ----------------------------------------------
There once was a man named Dave Who found a dead in a cave She was ugly as shit And missing a tit But think of the money he'd save ----------------------------------------------
...
1 Comments, 74 Views,
5 Votes
,1.84 Score
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Alabama 8/14/2011
I just found out for sure , that if a boy and girl get married in Alabama , then move to Georgia , that
they are still COUSINS!!
ha ha come on I love Alabama
1 Comments, 92 Views,
8 Votes
,1.16 Score
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Sex museums 8/14/2011
I went to Prague last weekend, and after attending many
of the high cultural experiences, including listening
to renditions to Dvorak's works, I decided to dive
into the Sex Machine Museum. I was asked to go straight upstairs
as the auditorioum showing vintage porn films was full.
Unfortunately, my nasal azalastine spray for allergic
rhinitis had just run out, so the dust was causing havoc
on my ...
0 Comments, 99 Views,
8 Votes
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PROSTATE EXAM 8/14/2011
After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment
of a prostate test at the National Health Service, I decided
to have my next test carried out while visiting in San Francisco
where the beautiful nurses are more gentle and accommodating.
As I lay naked on my side on the table, the nurse began the
examination.
"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure
it's quite normal to ...
1 Comments, 138 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score
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Little Johnny Can't Count 8/14/2011
"If you had a dollar, " quizzed the teacher,
"and you asked your father for another dollar and
fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny
"You don't know your basic math." said
the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't
know my daddy."
0 Comments, 147 Views,
5 Votes
,2.82 Score
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Little Johnny 8/14/2011
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother was putting
cold cream on her face.
"Why are you rubbing that cream on you face, mommy?"
he asked.
"To stay pretty for daddy, " said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter mommy?" asked Little
Johnny. "Giving up?"
0 Comments, 161 Views,
5 Votes
,2.82 Score
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The tasty truth! 8/14/2011
A man wearing a ski mask walks into a sperm bank, draws a gun
from his belt, a specimen jar from his pocket, points his
gun in the face of the receptionist and says, "Lady!
Drink this specimen!!" visibly shaking with fear,
she decries as resounding, "No I will NOT drink that!!"
He comes leans in closer and speaks with a sinister determined
voice, "Lady, drink this specimen or Iswear to G-d
I'll ...
0 Comments, 72 Views,
4 Votes
,1.30 Score
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Horny Hubby 8/14/2011
Once upon a time an old man was very horny and went home to
f**k his wife. He saw his wife playing with butt plug. Seeing this he said honey you could have called me if you
were so horny. The wife replied: my dear, our neighbours are very kind.
And i was just helping myself to get relief from GAS 
0 Comments, 140 Views,
8 Votes
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a penguin is driving along in his ... 8/14/2011
is driving along in his Jeep when he notices the engine light
come on, so he pulls into the nearest garage. The mechanic
tells him that he'll look at his Jeep right away so the
penguin goes across the street to the ice cream shop to wait.
He orders a bowl of ice cream and since he has only flippers
he has no hands to hold the spoon he eats with his head and
beck spraying the ice cream all over ...
0 Comments, 59 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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Little Red Riding Hood 8/14/2011
One day it was so hot that little red riding hood decided
to walk to gramma's house in the buff with only her basket
on her arm.She soon came across the Three bears who were
shocked and exclaimed "Little Red Riding Hood"
you're completely naked.The Big Bad Wolf is going
to screw your brains out!" To which she answer"No
he's not'I've got a gun." She skipped
away and soon ran into the seven dwarfs ...
0 Comments, 74 Views,
4 Votes
,2.47 Score
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3 WOMEN 8/14/2011
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE
SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED
HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS
MY PAGER, " SHE SAID. "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER
THE SKIN OF MY ARM."
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN
LIFTED HER PALM ...
0 Comments, 152 Views,
6 Votes
,3.65 Score
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3 Pregnant Women 8/12/2011
3 pregnant Women we, re in the waiting room at their Doctor.
All 3 about 8 months along, and they get to talking. One woman
says i, m having a boy and thats just what we want. Another
woman says i, m having a girl and thats what we want.. The
3rd woman says how you know what your gonna have?? The 1st
woman says my husband was on top and thats how you get a boy..
2nd woman says yea I was on top ...
0 Comments, 102 Views,
10 Votes
,1.19 Score
|
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True Story 8/12/2011
I used to occasionally meet up with this teacher who was
into the scene. I remember I'd asked her if she ever
had that typical student teacher fantasy and she'd
admitted she had thought about it even with some students
Weeks later, I remembered she taught...special ed.
1 Comments, 106 Views,
7 Votes
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THE GREAT HOUDINI 8/12/2011
MEN! Want to perform an awesome trick on your girl? It's
called The Great Houdini. FIRST
Get a friend of yours that has about the same cock size as
you.
THEN one night when you're about to fuck your lady,
blindfold her and fuck her doggystyle up against a window.
Once you start fucking her pull out and get your friend to
come out of the closet to take your place. ...
1 Comments, 120 Views,
7 Votes
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The Rabbi and the Priest. 8/12/2011
There was a Rabbi who went to the Catholic Priest at the church
and asked "How do you get the money to make your church
so beautiful?". Father said "We hear confessions;
observe while I demonstrate". So the priest gets
in the center compartment, the Rabbi on one side and in walks
the first penitent. "It's been one week since
my last confession and I have commited adultery three times".
Father ...
0 Comments, 32 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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The Evangelist and the Priest 8/12/2011
An evangelist and a pastor are out hunting, when suddenly,
out of nowhere, a grizzly bear appears. They sprint back
to their hut as fast as they can, with the bear in close pursuit.
The evangelist gets there first and pulls open the door.
The pastor goes hurtling inside with the bear right behind,
whereupon the evangelist slams the door shut from the outside.
There is an anguished cry as the ...
0 Comments, 31 Views,
2 Votes
,0.34 Score
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The Pastor 8/12/2011
A pastor went out visiting one afternoon. At one house he
knocked on the door several times, but no one answered.
He could see though the window that the television was on,
so he took one of his cards, wrote "Revelations 3:20"
on it and put it under the door. ("Behold, I stand at
the door and knock; if anyone will open, I will come in.")
The following Sunday, a woman handed him a card with her ...
0 Comments, 34 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
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The Golfing Priest 8/12/2011
There once was a priest who loved to golf. He was pretty good
at it and had two nuns as an entourage who would follow him
around and watch him play. One Saturday the priest was shooting
a great round, when he came upon the eighth hole. He started
off with a beautiful drive to down the fareway, and a nice
chip to the green. When he goes to putt the ball it rolls straight
for the hole, swerves, ...
0 Comments, 30 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score
|
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Pastor and the Fig Leaf 8/12/2011
A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom.
The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people
saw the pastor.
As the room quieted down he walked up to the redhead bartender,
and asked her,
"May I please use the restroom?"
The redhead replied, "I really don't think you
should."
"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really
need to use a ...
0 Comments, 32 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
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Priest and a dying man..... 8/12/2011
The priest was preparing a dying man for his voyage into
the great beyond. Whispering firmly, the priest said,
"Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think
of his evil!" The dying man said nothing. The priest
repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The
priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil
and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know
where I'm heading, ...
0 Comments, 33 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
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Golfing Minister 8/12/2011
A minister was feeling bored one Sunday and decided to take
the day off from church. He told the assistant minister
he wasn't feeling well and drove off. He stopped at
a golf course about forty miles away (so that no one would
know him.)
Up in Heaven, the angels were talking. One said to Jesus,
"Are you going to let him get away with that?"
Jesus said, "No, I won't." The minister
teed ...
0 Comments, 34 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
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Rabbi and Priest meet by accident ...... 8/12/2011
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's
a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly,
neither are hurt. They crawl out of their cars and the rabbi
sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're
a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's
nothing left but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God.
God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and ...
0 Comments, 32 Views,
2 Votes
,1.73 Score
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