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what happens when the train.comes? 6/5/2015
A lonely wife was living in a small house near the railroad.Her
husband was at work.She was very hot and wanted sex with
someone.She called the carpenter saying:my cupboard
squeeks everytime the train comes, so I want you to fix
it.The carpenter camefinding her in a very sexy lingerie, her
boops wrre showing and her pussy uncovered.The carpenter
became sweaty and embarassed.She told him;the ...
3 Comments, 169 Views,
9 Votes
,1.29 Score
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Fascinate 6/2/2015
Teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate'
in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my
granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was
fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to
use the word 'fascinate’, not ‘fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to
see RockCity and I was ...
4 Comments, 219 Views,
11 Votes
,5.60 Score
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smart 6/2/2015
Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman all die on Christmas
Eve. They reach the gates of Heaven and St. Peter is waiting
on them. " Hi guys" he says. "Now unfortunately
you all died on Christmas Eve, so what I want you to do is each
put your hand into your pockets and pull out something that
represents Christmas." So the English man put his hand into his pocket and pulls
out a cigarette lighter. ...
2 Comments, 155 Views,
14 Votes
,5.06 Score
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Reluctant 5/31/2015
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her and tell
him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied,
"I'm not going."
"Why not?" she asked.
I'll give you two good reasons, " he said. "(1)
they don't like me, and (2) I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons
why you SHOULD go to church: (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) ...
2 Comments, 332 Views,
16 Votes
,5.33 Score
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Changing times? 5/28/2015
A man went into a watchmakers shop went up to the female assistant
& slapped his penis onto the counter. The shocked assistant
said "sir this is a clock shop not a cock shop"!
The man looking at his penis replied "yes I know, so
could you please put 2 hands & face on that"?!!!
1 Comments, 80 Views,
10 Votes
,5.38 Score
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father &funny 5/28/2015
a teacher asked jimmy;', ,why is your cat at school
today jimmy''. jimmy replied crying "Because
I heard tell my mummy, I am going to eat that p*ssy once jimmy
leaves for today
3 Comments, 55 Views,
11 Votes
,4.29 Score
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The golfer and a homeless man 5/25/2015
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by
a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man
who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,
"If I give you this money, will you buy some booze with
it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago, ” the homeless
man replied. "Will you spend this on ...
2 Comments, 238 Views,
16 Votes
,5.19 Score
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Court Proceedings 5/24/2015
These are from a book called “Disruption in Court"
and are things people actually said in court, while the
exchanges were taking place.
Word for word, taken down and published by court reporters
that had the torment of staying calm
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to
you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset ...
6 Comments, 144 Views,
13 Votes
,4.99 Score
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or what? 5/23/2015
A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn’t
wanted to have sex with him for the past six months. The doctor
tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and
hopefully determine what the problem is.
The following day, the wife goes to the doctor’s office.
The doctor asks her what’s wrong, why doesn’t she want
to have sex with her husband? “Oh, ...
1 Comments, 218 Views,
11 Votes
,4.48 Score
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There's trouble in paradise 5/22/2015
The graveside service just barely finished, when there
was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt
of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling
in the distance... The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
'Well, she's there!!
1 Comments, 91 Views,
12 Votes
,4.57 Score
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Job Search 5/20/2015
Mike saw a job advertised in the paper, Man wanted with good sense of smell
When mike arrived at the address he was surprised to see
it was a private house. I came about the Job mike said to the kamp looking guy that
answered the door.
I will have to test your sense of smell...ok said Mike.
Put on this blindfold and tell me what you smell, mike sniffed
and beamed out AN ...
3 Comments, 193 Views,
12 Votes
,2.80 Score
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Four hour erections 5/20/2015
You've seen the commercials - "An erection lasting
more than 4 hours". But what really happens when you ask for help with an erection
lasting more than 4 hours?
I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist
as she and her sister owned the store, and there were no male
employees. She then asked ...
5 Comments, 322 Views,
23 Votes
,6.28 Score
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father? 5/18/2015
A family is at the dinner table. The asks the father,
Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised,
answers, Well, , a woman goes through three phases.
In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and
firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice,
hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions. Onions? the
asks. Yes. You see them and they make you cry.This ...
2 Comments, 85 Views,
11 Votes
,4.29 Score
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Babies? 5/18/2015
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when
her walks in Mother, where do babies come from? The mother thinks for
a few seconds and says, Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in
love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom,
they kiss and hug, and have sex. The looks puzzled
so the mother continues, That means the daddy puts his penis
in the mommy’s vagina. That’s ...
1 Comments, 107 Views,
6 Votes
,3.08 Score
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The Government?? 5/7/2015
A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the
government
so for homework that one day, she told her her students to
ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad
and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look
at it this way
I'm the president, your mom is ...
1 Comments, 103 Views,
11 Votes
,5.22 Score
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Ridem Cowboy 5/3/2015
The local yokel got married and his honeymoon was the first
time he'd been off the farm.
He'd saved for twenty years for this, so could afford
a classy hotel.
Checking in he said "Me and the new WIFE would like
to hire your best room for a week"
"Certainly sir" replied the receptionist.
"Would you like the Bridal"?
The yokel looked a bit uncertain, then said ...
1 Comments, 113 Views,
9 Votes
,4.49 Score
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those idiots!!!! 5/3/2015
a takes a shortcut home
through the cemetery.
Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming
from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots
an
old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.
“I thought you were a ghost, ”
says the relieved
. “What are you
doing working so late?”
“Oh, those idiots, ” grumbles ...
3 Comments, 160 Views,
13 Votes
,3.98 Score
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mugged 5/1/2015
Late one night in the Washington D.C. a mugger wearing a
ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck
a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money, " he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't
do this - I'm a US Congressman!"
"In that case, " replied the robber, "give
me MY money!" 
2 Comments, 98 Views,
21 Votes
,5.11 Score
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Dirty Kokes 4/25/2015
A funny adult sms Sardar:Will U Marry me? Girl:Sorry I’m a Lesbian. Sardar:”Whats Lesbian?” Girl:”I have Sex only with Girls”. Sardar:”Maar Taali I’m also Lesbian”
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps
into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into
her breast. They are both ...
1 Comments, 119 Views,
10 Votes
,2.99 Score
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Square testicles 4/23/2015
Can not take credit, received as an email.
> An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Canada
one > morning with a purse full of money.. She wanted to open
a > savings account and insisted on talking to the president
of > the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of > money. > After many lengthy discussions > (after all, the is always right) an employee
took the > elderly woman to ...
4 Comments, 200 Views,
24 Votes
,6.54 Score
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Confession 4/21/2015
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest nearly
fell down when he saw him.
He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said: "Murphy,
I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said: "I got to be honest with ya Father. A while
back, I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that
hat. I know that ...
3 Comments, 214 Views,
21 Votes
,5.60 Score
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ask the darnest things!! 4/18/2015
A MOTHER AND HER YOUNG WERE FLYING FROM TAMPA TO TORONTO.
THE LITTLE BOY HAD BEEN LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW. HE ASKED HIS MOTHER, IF BIG DOGS HAVE BABY DOGS, AND BIG CATS
HAVE BABY CATS, WHY DON’T BIG PLANES HAVE BABY PLANES?
THE MOTHER COULDN’T THINK OF AN ANSWER.
SHE TOLD HER DON’T BOTHER ME GO ASK THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT.
HE WENT DOWN THE AISLE TO THE ...
3 Comments, 254 Views,
26 Votes
,6.15 Score
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Sex in the dark 4/17/2015
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark
forest.
After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."
The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass
for the past ten minutes!"
1 Comments, 51 Views,
8 Votes
,2.32 Score
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U Speaka Da English? 4/16/2015
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage
in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them
ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized
when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice. Then I come one ...
1 Comments, 104 Views,
9 Votes
,3.21 Score
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golfer 4/13/2015
A small private plane was flying over southwest Florida
when all of a sudden the engine died, miles away from any
airport.
The pilot turned to his wife and said, “Don’t worry,
Honey, there are dozens of golf courses in this area. I’ll
just land on the next one I see.”
To which his wife screamed, “What you mean ‘don’t
worry?’ I’ve seen you play! You’ll never ...
1 Comments, 125 Views,
10 Votes
,3.78 Score
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ready and willing 4/7/2015
I'm not a gynecologist but I'll look at it
1 Comments, 43 Views,
9 Votes
,1.29 Score
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dwl 4/5/2015
An old guy walks into a bar...
And sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
#1 CHEESE-BURGER: $1.50 #2 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50 #3 HAND-JOB: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks
up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally
attractive women serving drinks to a group of scruffy looking
men.
"Yes?" she ...
1 Comments, 138 Views,
11 Votes
,5.60 Score
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awesome 4/5/2015
A family is at the dinner table. The asks the father,
“Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father,
surprised, answers, “Well, , a woman goes through
three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons,
round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still
nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”
“Onions?” the asks. “Yes. You see them and ...
1 Comments, 85 Views,
8 Votes
,4.87 Score
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hahaha 4/5/2015
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when
her walks in. “Mother, where do babies come
from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well
dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night
they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.”
The looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That
means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s ...
1 Comments, 102 Views,
10 Votes
,4.58 Score
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one wish 4/4/2015
Bill Clinton was driving when he accidentally ran over
a dog, crushing it flat as a fucking pancake. He climbed
out of his Rolls and sat down on the grass totally distraught.
Then Bill noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug
it up, brushed it off and immediately a Genie popped out.
"You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment, "
said the Genie "As a reward I shall grant ...
2 Comments, 151 Views,
13 Votes
,3.98 Score
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Couple of funnies 4/4/2015
“A little boy caught his mom and dad having sex. After,
he asked, "What were you and daddy doing?" The
mom said, "We were baking a cake." A few days
later, the little boy asked his mom, "Were you and
daddy baking a cake in the living room?" She said yes,
and asked him how he knew. He answered, "Because I
licked the frosting off the couch! It was sweet!”
“A man and a woman were ...
2 Comments, 90 Views,
8 Votes
,5.33 Score
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Sunday Funday Jokes! 4/4/2015
A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you going today?" the man asks. "I'm going to give blood." replies the
woman. "How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
he asks. "About twenty dollars." she says. "Wow, " he says, "I'm going up to
donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays a hundred dollars."
The woman angrily storms off the elevator. The very next day, the man and woman are in the ...
2 Comments, 115 Views,
7 Votes
,5.08 Score
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More Jokes on Sunday Funday! 4/4/2015
****** A guy walks into a bar with an alligator.
The bartender looks over and yells, "Hey, buddy,
You have to get that gator outta here! He's gonna end up snappin' at
one of my customers and get me sued!"
The guys replies to the bartender, "No no, this gator
is tame and very well behaved...he won't do anything.
Here, I'll show you."
The guy lifts the alligator up and ...
2 Comments, 125 Views,
7 Votes
,5.59 Score
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mothers are too smart !!! 4/1/2015
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal,
his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's
roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship
between John and his roommate and this only made her more
curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there was more between John and
the roommate than met the ...
1 Comments, 184 Views,
12 Votes
,5.98 Score
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The Genie 3/30/2015
A man was walking on a beach in California. He found a dirty
old bottle and picked it up. When he rubbed it to clean it
up a Genie popped out.
“Oh Master. Thank you for freeing me. For that you are
granted one wish. What would that be?” the Genie said.
“I’ve always wanted to visit Hawaii but I don’t like
flying. Build me a highway so I can drive there.” ...
1 Comments, 117 Views,
7 Votes
,5.33 Score
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Chicken-fuckers 3/30/2015
A parrot developed the bad habit of fucking the farmer's
hens, making them quit laying. The farmer tells the parrot
if he does it again he will pull out every feather in the parrot's
head. The next day, the farmer again catches the parrot
humping a hen, and snatches the parrot bald.
The following day, the farmer's wife hosts a formal
dinner. She thinks it would be unique if the parrot ...
1 Comments, 156 Views,
5 Votes
,5.75 Score
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in laws !!! 3/30/2015
On the way back from a dinner celebrating their twentieth
wedding anniversary, a couple is involved in a gruesome
accident. The husband survives with only a broken arm,
but the wife's face is horribly disfigured. A plastic
surgeon said a skin graft is the only remedy, but the woman
is too thin to offer much spare flesh. It will have to come
from her husband's buttocks. They agree to the ...
1 Comments, 179 Views,
12 Votes
,5.80 Score
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Ha ha! Very funny Kyle! 3/28/2015
A teacher is instructing a class and sees that JImmy is not
paying attention, so she asks Jimmy, "You see there
are 3 squirrels sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how
many are left on the fence?" Jimmy replies, "There would be none." The teacher
asks, "Why would there be none?" Jimmy says
to the teacher, "Because the shot scared the rest
of them away." The teacher says, "No, the answer
is ...
3 Comments, 135 Views,
12 Votes
,5.45 Score
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A chuckle or two 3/25/2015
“A little boy and his friends are being called bastards
and bitches by bullies at school. The boy goes home and asks,
"Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his
dad replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are
gentlemen." Then the boy goes upstairs to see his
mom. As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume
bottle, and his mom says, "Shit!" "Mom,
what is shit?" and she says, ...
1 Comments, 100 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Laughter is the best medicine... 3/25/2015
“A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?"
Dad says, "Well , let me try to explain it this way:
I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call
me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator
of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're
here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the
People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working
Class. And your baby brother, ...
1 Comments, 47 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Confession 3/24/2015
Gianni Poggio, an elderly Italian man who lives on the outskirts
of Positano, Italy, recently went to the local church for
confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional,
the man said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful
Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on
my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her
in my attic."
...
1 Comments, 116 Views,
10 Votes
,4.18 Score
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Just some quick jokes for ya... 3/20/2015
So, a husband and wife are online trying to come up with a
new password for their profile. The husband types, "Mypenis, "
and the wife falls out the chair and is rolling on the ground
laughing ... the screen reads, "Error. Not long enough."
The teacher asked Billy, "Why did you bring your cat
to school today Billy?" Billy, being scared and crying,
tells the teacher, "Because I heard ...
1 Comments, 70 Views,
7 Votes
,5.59 Score
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old man's woes 3/14/2015
a 65 year old man visited a nudist colony the receptionist told him the charges were Rs. 5000 deposit (refundable if he did not like there - within
6 hours) & Rs. 500 per day/per visit he paid in cash , got locker to put all his belongings including
his clothes, and set off in a beautiful garden many people -- all nude were there- nobody bothered to look
at him he passed a few couples fucking in ...
1 Comments, 136 Views,
11 Votes
,5.97 Score
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rough 3/14/2015
Two men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine.
He lasts over 10 minutes. 'Crikey mate, that was impressive!' 'I get lots of practice' replied the other guy.
'My wifes epileptic'
1 Comments, 20 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
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The difference. 3/10/2015
What is the difference between a young and an old ?
A young uses KY and an old uses poly grip.
2 Comments, 42 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
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Honeymoon Prank 3/8/2015
The wedding date was set and groom's 3 friends -
A Carpenter
An Electrician
And A Doctor
were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their
wedding night.
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would
be fun..
The electrician decided to wire the bed with current , of
course...
The Doctor wouldn't commit himself, but ...
1 Comments, 163 Views,
12 Votes
,5.27 Score
|
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old man's woes 3/7/2015
a 65 year old man visited a nudist colony the receptionist told him the charges were Rs. 5000 deposit (refundable if he did not like there - within
6 hours) & Rs. 500 per day/per visit he paid in cash , got locker to put all his belongings including
his clothes, and set off in a beautiful garden many people -- all nude were there- nobody bothered to look
at him he passed a few couples fucking in ...
1 Comments, 47 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
|
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sports 3/7/2015
what is the difference between a pussy and a bowling ball?//
well you only put 3 fingers in a bowling ball.....
0 Comments, 38 Views,
5 Votes
,2.82 Score
|
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Cards 3/7/2015
How is sex like a game of bridge? You either need a good partner or a good hand.
2 Comments, 12 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
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Men are MEN 3/7/2015
A sexy blonde at a Casino, seemed a little intoxicated She bet 20, 000 Euro on a single roll of dice.
She said - "I hope you don't mind, but I feel luckier
when I'm nude".
With that she removed her clothes, rolled the dice and yelled
- "come on baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped and yelled - "yes
yes, I won.....I won...."
...
1 Comments, 160 Views,
14 Votes
,6.34 Score
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Chicken Rancher 3/6/2015
A rancher went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that?
I just ordered champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This
is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'
‘This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating, '
said the woman.'
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. ...
3 Comments, 191 Views,
13 Votes
,4.99 Score
|
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The Texan 3/1/2015
This Texan walked into this bar in Alaska and there were
3 men sitting at the bar. They all started laughing when
they say his cowboy hat and told him all men from Texas are
pussys. They told him to be tough around here you must be
able to choug a beer go out and fuck and escmo girl and wressle
a grizzle bear and be back here in an hour.The Texan grabed
and chouged a 5th of jack then asked were ...
1 Comments, 163 Views,
8 Votes
,1.86 Score
|
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Lost Golfer 2/28/2015
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what
hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked
up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She
replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're
a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He
thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached
the lady ...
0 Comments, 223 Views,
17 Votes
,5.81 Score
|
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Blonde Joke 2/24/2015
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister,
"I slept with a Brazilian....
The blonde replies,
"Oh my God! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
1 Comments, 20 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score
|
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left overs 2/22/2015
I walked into the kitchen tonight expecting my wife to be
fixing dinner. Instead she was standing there wearing
no clothes but wrapped in saran wrap. I turned around and
walked back out. I don't like leftovers. 
2 Comments, 64 Views,
8 Votes
,2.78 Score
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wouldnt you? 2/21/2015
Larry and Bob, two friends, met in the park every day to feed
the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Larry didn't show up. Bob didn't think
much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something..
But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob
really got worried. However, since the only time they ever
got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where ...
4 Comments, 175 Views,
18 Votes
,5.58 Score
|
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1 life 2 live 2/15/2015
A blonde woman, a priest, a pilot, and a high schooler are
all on a crashing plane. There are only enough parachutes
to save three of them, and the pilot is the first to jump out.
He grabs a parachute and says, "I'm a pilot! People
need me to fly planes!" and then jumps out. The blonde
is next to jump out. She grabs a parachute and says, "My
hair won't look pretty if I'm dead!" and
then jumps ...
1 Comments, 166 Views,
11 Votes
,4.85 Score
|
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Note to drunken self 2/14/2015
when you see a very pretty girl and she tells you she is really
a boy, believe her. Do NOT say "There is no freakin way"...cuz when
she lifts up her skirt and proves it, your gonna stare.
0 Comments, 54 Views,
7 Votes
,4.06 Score
|
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On Average 2/11/2015
On average, an American man under 75 will have sex two to
three times a week, whereas a Japanese man the same age will
have sex only one or two times a year.
This is very upsetting news to many of my friends, as they
had no idea they were Japanese.
0 Comments, 71 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
|
|
The chicken and the 2/10/2015
On the farm lived a chicken and a , both of whom loved
to play together. One day the two were playing, when the fell into a bog
and began to sink. Scared for his life, the whinnied for the chicken
to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer,
but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only ...
0 Comments, 179 Views,
12 Votes
,4.92 Score
|
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Shave and Haircut 2/9/2015
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If
you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got yourhair cut, you'd
look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends
overthere instead of you."
0 Comments, 106 Views,
8 Votes
,2.32 Score
|
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Johnny Sperm 2/9/2015
Little Johnny Sperm was in training. He knew his big day
was coming and he vowed to be ready. He ran every day. He lifted
weights every night. Finally one day it was time. He approached
the starting line and was itching to go. His goal was to impregnate
a womb. The gate opened and he took off. He was well ahead
of the other sperm. As he approached the end of the tunnel
he screeched to a ...
1 Comments, 141 Views,
10 Votes
,3.98 Score
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Really Bad Jokes (Lame Bad, Not Good Bad) 2/9/2015
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha,
pack up your things. I just won a million dollar slot machine
jackpot!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for
warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I
don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house
by noon!"
"My husband's going to a casino in central Asia.
"Tibet?" "Of course, why else would he
go!"
Q: Why isn't ...
1 Comments, 47 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
|
|
Are Cows funny? 2/9/2015
Q: Where do cows go for lunch? A: The calf-eteria.
Q: Why do cows wear bells? A: Their horns don't work.
Q: What are a cows favorite subjects in school? A: Moosic,
psycowolgy, cowculus
And Finally......
Q: What do call a cow that has just had a calf? A: Decalfenated
1 Comments, 19 Views,
4 Votes
,2.47 Score
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Couple more I heard 2/5/2015
How do you know if you have a high sperm count ? She has to chew before she swallows.
2 potatos are standing on a corner, how can you tell which
one is a ? The one that says IDAHO!
2 Comments, 22 Views,
5 Votes
,4.12 Score
|
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The Ladies Room 2/3/2015
This guy was on a very long flight from LA to NY and after a
couple of drinks just had to go to the bathroom. He got up
from his seat and went to the bath rooms only to find all the
Men's rooms full or out of order. Well he had to go so
looking around he saw that one of the bath rooms marked Ladies
was empty. He was just about to enter it when one of the stewardess
asked him what he was doing ...
1 Comments, 175 Views,
9 Votes
,4.49 Score
|
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panties 1/31/2015
a lady lost three panties in her house and blames it on the
maid in front of her husband. Maid said "Sir, you are my witness you know I never
wear panties!"
2 Comments, 64 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score
|
|
good driver!! 1/29/2015
A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that
he has just won $5, 000 in a safety competition, all because
he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?"
the officer asks.
The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving
school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him.
He's a smart aleck when he's ...
2 Comments, 119 Views,
7 Votes
,4.31 Score
|
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GUESS WHO? 1/29/2015
There are 3 Male and 1 Female pencils in a box. The Female pencil got pregnant !! Which Male pencil is responsible?
THE ONE WITHOUT THE RUBBER.
2 Comments, 62 Views,
7 Votes
,4.82 Score
|
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onion 1/28/2015
On dinner, asks father: How many kinds of boobs r here?
DAD: 3 kinds, In 20s like oranges, round n firm. In 30-40 like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. Aftr 50 like onions, u see them nd they make u cry.
4 Comments, 67 Views,
7 Votes
,4.31 Score
|
|
Boy N Dad 1/26/2015
A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?"
Dad says, "Well , let me try to explain it this way:
I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call
me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator
of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're
here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the
People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working
Class. And your baby brother, we'll ...
0 Comments, 83 Views,
9 Votes
,5.78 Score
|
|
Funny! 1/24/2015
A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt
is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!"
Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances
towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's
wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really
think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one
little weenie?"
2 Comments, 38 Views,
5 Votes
,5.43 Score
|
|
Intelligence 1/24/2015
What do you call an intelligent Blonde
a Golden Retriever
What do you call an intelligent red head
An Irish Setter
1 Comments, 38 Views,
5 Votes
,2.82 Score
|
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hiway to hawaii 1/20/2015
a guy find's a bottle on the beach. he rubs it and out
comes a genie who tells him he will grant him one wish. the
guy asks for a road to Hawaii because he is afraid of flying
and gets very seasick . the genie replies do you realize
what that would involve? how much engineering, how much
steel, how much concrete ? be reasonable man. the guy says
ok just tell me how to understand women, what do ...
1 Comments, 64 Views,
7 Votes
,3.30 Score
|
|
funny joke 1/19/2015
A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After
years of this, the wife wants him to quit. She gets two shot
glasses, fills one with water and the other with whiskey.
After bringing him to the table that has the glasses, she
brings his bait box. She says, "I want you to see this."
She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around. She puts
a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies ...
6 Comments, 180 Views,
15 Votes
,5.12 Score
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LITTLE JOHNNY 1/19/2015
may be a duplicate but I didn't see it
Teacher asks the in class: "What do you want to
be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to
the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch, give her
a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana,
a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite
Visa Card, and make love to her ...
2 Comments, 108 Views,
14 Votes
,5.06 Score
|
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GOT TO LOVE BLONDES 1/19/2015
FIRST A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the
morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the
phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know,
that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up. The husband
said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't
know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
SECOND Two blondes are walking down the street. One ...
2 Comments, 103 Views,
11 Votes
,5.22 Score
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ARTHRITIS 1/19/2015
A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest ...
1 Comments, 66 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
|
|
It could happen to you 1/18/2015
A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her
door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing
there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears
a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question
to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams
the door again. Later that night when her husband gets ...
1 Comments, 127 Views,
8 Votes
,5.10 Score
|
|
Pics 1/18/2015
Would you let someone take pics of you having sex with their
spouse when you swing?
6 Comments, 101 Views,
6 Votes
,0.23 Score
|
|
yum yum 1/17/2015
Two cannibals, father and , were hunting one afternoon
and they came across a beautiful young blonde sunbathing
in the nude. They were both extremely stunned by her gorgeous
body.
The asked his father, "What do you say we take her
home and eat her?"
The father replied, "Actually, I was thinking that
maybe we should take her home and eat your mother
1 Comments, 84 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score
|
|
Likeable Way Of Thinking 1/14/2015
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems
when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny,
if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one
with your gun, how many would be left?" "None.",
replied Johnny "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four, " said the teacher.
"But I like the way you are thinking." Little
Johnny said, "I have a question ...
2 Comments, 155 Views,
9 Votes
,4.07 Score
|
|
Lippy 1/12/2015
why do women have two sets of lips. So they can pisses and
moan.
1 Comments, 19 Views,
6 Votes
,0.52 Score
|
|
Funny! 1/12/2015
A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt
is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!"
Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances
towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's
wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really
think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one
little weenie?"
1 Comments, 40 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score
|
|
Little rascals 1/11/2015
Darla and Buckwheat are in class and the teacher asks Darla
to spell stupid and use it in a sentence.
Darla stands and says "Stupid S-T-U-P-I-D, Buckwheat
is stupid."
Teacher says "ok now spell dumb"
Darla "D-U-M-B, Buckwheat is dumb."
Teacher then tells Buckwheat to spell dictate and use it
in a sentence
Buckwheat says "Dictate, D-I-C-T-A-T-E, Darla ...
1 Comments, 62 Views,
5 Votes
,2.82 Score
|
|
Brothel 1/11/2015
There is a sign on a brothel house:
'Trespassers will be prostituted'
1 Comments, 46 Views,
9 Votes
,3.00 Score
|
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funny joke 1/11/2015
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One
day, their passions overcame them in the office and they
took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's
activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take
his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped ...
4 Comments, 166 Views,
11 Votes
,5.97 Score
|
|
lie detector!!!!!! 1/10/2015
So a man buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you
lie. He decides to try it out on his . Dad asks "What'd
you do after school today, Johnny?" "I went to Billy's house and we did our homework."
(robot slaps ) "Oh okay we played video games!"
(robot slaps again) "OKAY OKAY! WE WE'RE
WATCHING SOME PORN!" Dad says "oh jeez when
I was your age I didn't even know what porn was."
(robot ...
3 Comments, 129 Views,
10 Votes
,5.38 Score
|
|
DEAD HAIR 1/9/2015
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out
across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting
it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of
the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal
lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the
rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver
feels so awful that he begins to cry. ...
1 Comments, 107 Views,
11 Votes
,5.04 Score
|
|
Turtle Being Fishy 1/7/2015
A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and
with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later,
he reached a very high branch and walked long to the end.
He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself
off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft,
dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom
of the tree and with a sigh started to ...
3 Comments, 137 Views,
10 Votes
,2.99 Score
|
|
drunks 1/7/2015
last night on the street who appeared to be looking for something.
He said he was looking for his watch. He said he had fallen
when it came off. I asked him where he fell. He said about
a block away. I asked, "why are you looking for it here
then?". He said the lighting was better here.
2 Comments, 32 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
lol 1/4/2015
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner.
Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by
endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling,
Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and
remarked, "That's really nice, that after all
these years that you have been married, you keep calling
your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and
whispered, "To tell you the ...
2 Comments, 112 Views,
10 Votes
,4.58 Score
|
|
grandpa's advice 1/3/2015
grandpa keeps telling me to marry a girl with small hands.
I finally asked him, " Why small hands?" "Because it will make your dick look larger."
5 Comments, 73 Views,
13 Votes
,4.49 Score
|
|
Absent Minded Professor 1/3/2015
There Was This Professor Who Kicked His Wife And Kissed
The Door Shut While Going To Work ! ! ! !
2 Comments, 55 Views,
5 Votes
,0.53 Score
|
|
Actual Cat Story 1/2/2015
This is an actual account by a worker at a technical support
and service center. One particular customer had an old
console-type machine with a print head that would ride
back and forth on a spiral shaft. They also had a big bushy
cat who liked to sit on the edge of the printer next to the
operator. Well, one day we got a service call that said,
"Cat caught in machine, come quick!" When I
arrived ...
1 Comments, 45 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
|
|
Engineer' Recipe For Chocolate 1/2/2015
Engineer’s recipe Chocolate Chip Cookies: Ingredients:1.
532.35 cm3 gluten 2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3 3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11 6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined
C12H22O11 7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate - encapsulated avian albumen
- coated protein 9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao ...
1 Comments, 19 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
|
|
Something Fishy ! 1/2/2015
Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped
his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the
depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the
wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then
a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, "That
is the first time I have ever seen carp – to - carp walleting."
1 Comments, 31 Views,
3 Votes
,1.96 Score
|
|
Golf 1/2/2015
Golf Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy
putt." Similarly, "tough break" can
usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
1 Comments, 17 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
|
|
Nothing Wrong 1/2/2015
-- There is nothing the matter with me, I am just as healthy
as can be, I have arthritis in both knees, And when I talk,
I talk with a wheeze. My pulse is weak, my blood is thin, But
I am awfully well for the shape I am in. All my teeth have had
to come out, And my diet I hate to think about. I am over weight
and I cannot get thin, But I am awfully well for the shape
I am in. And arch supports I ...
1 Comments, 34 Views,
5 Votes
,1.51 Score
|
|
Professor Proposal 1/2/2015
Professor at one of the I I M's was explaining marketing
concepts to the Students:- 1. You see a gorgeous girl at
a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry
me!" – That is Direct Marketing 2. You are at a party
with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your
friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He
is very rich. Marry him." – That is Advertising
3. ...
2 Comments, 123 Views,
8 Votes
,2.78 Score
|
|
drunks 1/2/2015
last night on the street who appeared to be looking for something.
He said he was looking for his watch. He said he had fallen
when it came off. I asked him where he fell. He said about
a block away. I asked, "why are you looking for it here
then?". He said the lighting was better here.
1 Comments, 43 Views,
7 Votes
,2.02 Score
|
|
drunks 1/2/2015
last night, I staggered into a Catholic church and ended
up in the confession booth. After a short while, the priest
said: "What do you need my ?". I said, "is
there any toilet paper on your side?".
1 Comments, 73 Views,
9 Votes
,2.57 Score
|
|
X'Mas Bugs ! ! ! 1/1/2015
>>> 12 bugs of Christmas For the first bug
of Christmas, my manager said to me See if they can do it again.
For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Ask
them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the
third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Try to reproduce
it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again.
For the fourth bug of Christmas, my ...
1 Comments, 19 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score
|
|
God's Gift 1/1/2015
God gave His 2, 000 years ago to die on the cross. Much
like the auctioneer, His message today is: "The ,
the , who will take the ?" ... Because, you see,
whoever takes the gets everything. For God so loved
the world that He gave His only begotten , that who so
ever believeth in Him should not perish but have ever lasting
life.
2 Comments, 57 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
|
|
Nail In The Fence 1/1/2015
Nail In The Fence : Make sure you read all the way down
to the last sentence. (Most importantly the last sentence)
: There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father
gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost
his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.
The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence.
Over the next few weeks, as he ...
1 Comments, 93 Views,
4 Votes
,1.30 Score
|
|
God's Gift 1/1/2015
God gave His 2, 000 years ago to die on the cross. Much
like the auctioneer, His message today is: "The ,
the , who will take the ?" ... Because, you see,
whoever takes the gets everything. For God so loved
the world that He gave His only begotten , that who so
ever believeth in Him should not perish but have ever lasting
life.
1 Comments, 9 Views,
3 Votes
|
|
Of A Gun 1/1/2015
MY ... Take my A wealthy man and his loved to
collect rare works of art. They had everything in their
collection, from Picasso to Raphael. They would often
sit together and admire the great works of art. When the
Vietnam conflict broke out, the went to war. He was very
courageous and died in battle while rescuing another soldier.
The father was notified and grieved deeply for his only
. ...
4 Comments, 56 Views,
5 Votes
,4.12 Score
|
|
Smart 1/1/2015
A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day
when a with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through
the door. "An' wot's this then?" he
asked. The knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's
shins. "You dumb dog." As he reaches down to
smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the
basket. The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of
his best mince [ground beef]...
0 Comments, 75 Views,
5 Votes
,4.77 Score
|
|
How would you describe me? 12/30/2014
Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful,
elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
1 Comments, 65 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score
|
|
funny! 12/29/2014
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning
from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?"
The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five
year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old."
"Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What
did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She
said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."
1 Comments, 54 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
|
|
cute joke 12/28/2014
A husband, who has six , begins to call his wife
“mother of six” rather than by her first name. The wife,
amused at first, chuckles. A few years down the road, the
wife has grown tired of this. "Mother of six, "
he would say, "what’s for dinner tonight? Get me
a beer!" She gets very frustrated. Finally, while
attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out,
"Mother of six, I think ...
2 Comments, 153 Views,
12 Votes
,5.80 Score
|
|
Barbie jokes 12/28/2014
Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes
that it's his 's birthday and he hasn't
bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy
store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is
that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner,
she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We
have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the
Ball for $19.95, Barbie ...
2 Comments, 114 Views,
9 Votes
,3.64 Score
|
|
Santa asks me what I want for xmas 12/26/2014
Santa; Well , HO HO HO little Billy , I see you have been
very good this year.What do you want Santa to bring you?
HO HO HO
Little Billy ; Gee Santa , could I have a Dragon??? Please.
Santa ; Ho Ho Ho , can't you be more realistic Billy?
Whats your second wish?
Little Billy ; Well , could you get me a girlfriend that
is trustworthy , won't cheat or lie, and ...
1 Comments, 105 Views,
5 Votes
,1.84 Score
|
|
Screaming wife :p 12/26/2014
3 friends bet each other $100 who could make their wife scream
more from sex. The next day the first one said "I made
love to my wife for 2 hours and she screamed for at least an
hour and a half!" The next said he licked his wife for
2 hours and she screamed the whole time plus a half hour after
that! The 3rd one said "that's nothing. I made
love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times, ...
2 Comments, 124 Views,
10 Votes
,3.78 Score
|
|
Dumb jokes 12/22/2014
Did you know an elephant's sexual organ is in his feet?
If he steps on you you're fucked.
What's gray and comes in quarts(liters)?
Elephants.
...
1 Comments, 47 Views,
2 Votes
,1.04 Score
|
|
Error 12/20/2014
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for
their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis, "
and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the
screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
2 Comments, 24 Views,
4 Votes
,0.53 Score
|
|
Legless 12/19/2014
A snail went into a bar for a Christmas drink, he went up to
the barman & said "can I have half of lager &
a packet of crisps please". The barman just looked
at the snail & shouted "get out" & threw
the snail out. A year later the snail came back in & went up to the same
barman & shouted " what did you do that for"!!
2 Comments, 96 Views,
6 Votes
,2.51 Score
|
|
true story 12/18/2014
a co worker of ours went to a bar(overseas trip) to meet with
a female companion. she called and cancel after he had a
few drinks. he was tipsy and decide to walk to the hotel a
few blocks away. he was solicited for sex and decided to
accept the offer. the was somewhat attractive and he just wanted a
blow job. she started to do her thing and he was into he decide
to reach down and rub her ...
1 Comments, 190 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
|
|
bar joke 12/18/2014
a man went to the bar with his wife. when he left for the counter
to buy drinks a approached his wife and whispered,
" You must Demand cash before sex, I know him he does
not pay.
1 Comments, 112 Views,
8 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
|
Mole 12/18/2014
A bloke goes into the doctors, Doctor says " what seems to be the problem? "
Man says " I need a mole removing off my dick.............it's
the last time I have sex with one of them."
4 Comments, 75 Views,
6 Votes
,0.52 Score
|
|
Kissing 12/14/2014
Why do so many couples have rules against kissing? We think
it's the best part of having sex with another partner.
5 Comments, 61 Views,
8 Votes
,0.23 Score
|
|
jokes 12/13/2014
We played with a couple that were nudists and they were very
quick to get naked and seemed very comfortable being naked
but them sure were not comfortable having sex. When we asked
if there was anything wrong they said no. They also said
that being nudist had nothing to do with sex it was more an
expression of being free. How can being naked not have anything
to do with sex?
2 Comments, 108 Views,
9 Votes
|
|
Truck driver and the Blonde 12/11/2014
As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She
jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the
door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi,
my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches
up again. She jumps out of her car, runs ...
3 Comments, 294 Views,
18 Votes
,5.03 Score
|
|
It's Christmas Time 12/11/2014
Some jokes to make your spirits bright!
What do they call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses
Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners
the most? "Rude"olph
What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding
down a chimney? Santa Claus-trophbia
What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish
What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of ...
1 Comments, 74 Views,
3 Votes
,1.96 Score
|
|
Bill Cosby 12/11/2014
What did we learn this week? We learned that if Bill Cosby wants your puddin'- he's
fucking taking it!!
1 Comments, 40 Views,
6 Votes
|
|
A golfing mechanic 12/9/2014
An auto mechanic went out on Saturday morning to play golf.
He told his wife he would be home about two o’clock.
He finally arrived home at seven. His wife asked where he’d
been and he said, “It’s like this. I was on my way home
and saw a customer of mine stuck on the side of the road. I
stopped to help her. I got her car started but got very dirty
in the process. She ...
4 Comments, 264 Views,
11 Votes
,4.10 Score
|
|
Advantages Of Breast Milk 12/1/2014
1: Cat can’t steal it.
2: No need to boil.
3: Available in attractive containers.
4: One is Free with another
5: Popular in all age group
6:No Expiry date
4 Comments, 66 Views,
13 Votes
,4.49 Score
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Indian Chief 11/23/2014
Chief went into a drugstore and said to the pharmacist ...Chief need-um rubber to make-um love to squaws. The pharmacist chuckled picked out an Acme thin condom,
handed it to the Indian and said here ya go chief this should
do the trick. Its nice and thin to give pleasure to your squaws.
The next day here come the Indian with a used rubber in hand.
He tossed it on the counter and said .. ...
1 Comments, 191 Views,
8 Votes
,2.09 Score
|
|
joke 11/22/2014
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says:
"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
The husband says, "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not
be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing
is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband ...
1 Comments, 158 Views,
8 Votes
,4.64 Score
|
|
girl friend 11/22/2014
I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine
the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the
wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn’t believe
it when she asked if I’d like to meet up and maybe rekindle
a little of that magic. "Wow!", I said, "I
don’t know if I could keep pace with you now! I’m a bit
older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She ...
2 Comments, 128 Views,
12 Votes
,4.04 Score
|
|
18 dau 11/22/2014
Three men went Las Vegas and after a losing their money at
the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay
off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned
it had 18 daughters so the first man went up to they’re
father and said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?"
the father said "no but you can sleep with the pigs."
the second man went to the father and said "can I sleep ...
5 Comments, 114 Views,
12 Votes
,4.74 Score
|
|
girl 11/21/2014
A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences
between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the
boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have
that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty
upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying.
A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her
face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy ...
2 Comments, 91 Views,
9 Votes
,4.49 Score
|
|
Condom talking to Whisper 11/21/2014
Condom talking to Whisper : Dear, Every month you stop my
business for one week Whisper says : oh , if you make a mistake for one time, I’ll
loose my business for “Nine” months…..
1 Comments, 51 Views,
9 Votes
,4.71 Score
|
|
Nipples [member username] 11/21/2014
When I was a wee lad I wondered why God gave me nipples. Girls
were little pests but they had nipples too, and Mum had nipples
that she used. What use were mine? By the time girls became
big girls and grew interesting shapes, I wondered why Darwin
gave me nipples. What use were mine? By the time girls became
women, I didn't wonder who given me niplles, just why!
And then I met Leila, and she ...
1 Comments, 74 Views,
2 Votes
|
|
joke 11/21/2014
A woman and her husband wake up one Saturday morning and
she turns and says to him, " are you going to mow the lawn
today honey?"
To which he replies " who do I look like, Mike’s Mowing
Service?" Not to be dismayed the wife goes on: "well
how about fixing the TV antennae then?" "Who do
I look like, The Acme Antennae Man?" And he gets up and goes off
to play golf . Returning home a few ...
1 Comments, 169 Views,
8 Votes
,4.87 Score
|
|
Two idiots 11/20/2014
These two idiots were walking through the wood and came
across a sink hole. They wondered how deep it was and threw
a rock down and never heard it land. they decided they needed
something larger so they grabbed a railroad tie lying near
by and tossed it into the hole. Right after they threw the
tie a goat whizzed by them and jumped down the hole. The looked
at each other and shrugged their ...
2 Comments, 125 Views,
8 Votes
,2.32 Score
|
|
boss 11/18/2014
A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will
make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by
the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then
called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask
him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even
have enough time to undressed himself." So she ...
1 Comments, 94 Views,
8 Votes
,4.64 Score
|
|
joke 11/18/2014
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle ...
1 Comments, 149 Views,
7 Votes
,4.31 Score
|
|
Warning 11/18/2014
They call a girl with braces "A Black and Decker Pecker
Wrecker"
0 Comments, 29 Views,
3 Votes
,1.96 Score
|
|
Train Ride 11/17/2014
Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the
top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone
without underwear.
The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"
"Yes, I'm sorry, " says Joe and promises
to avert his eyes.
"It's ...
5 Comments, 233 Views,
18 Votes
,4.35 Score
|
|
Birth of a Candy Bar 11/17/2014
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw
Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of
Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered,
"hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Krunch on my big hunk
for a Million Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went down on my
Tootsie Roll, and it was like Pure Almond Joy! I couldn't ...
2 Comments, 60 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
Amish 11/16/2014
Clip clop clip clop bang bang bang.... an Amish drive by
shooting.
1 Comments, 13 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
|
|
HAHA 11/15/2014
What's worse than having your doctor tell you you have
an STD? Having your dentist tell you.
3 Comments, 66 Views,
8 Votes
,2.55 Score
|
|
Teacher 11/15/2014
The teacher told her class that if they masturbated they
would go blind. Then Johnny raised his hand and the teacher
asked him if he had a question. Johnny asked "Can I
just do it till I need glasses?"
2 Comments, 87 Views,
11 Votes
,2.98 Score
|
|
Funny 11/15/2014
16 year old boy tells his father that he had his first blow
job, dad looks all proud, then says "is it supposed
to taste that bad?"
1 Comments, 46 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
|
|
7 + 3 = ? 11/13/2014
“I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful
woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive
wine on the menu. She sent me a note: "I will not touch
a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have
seven inches in your pants." So I wrote back: "Give
me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting
off three inches for anyone.”
1 Comments, 40 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
the wife 11/13/2014
He looked deep into the eyes of the woman he loved and said,
"My heart is broken. I saw you with another man yesterday."
"Oh don't be silly!" she replied, "That
was just my husband, you know there's no one but you."
4 Comments, 92 Views,
10 Votes
,2.19 Score
|
|
Dirty jokes 11/12/2014
The elephant asked a camel, why do u hv ur breasts on ur back.?
Camel irritated but modest replies, wha a silly Q from someone
who has a dick on his face. 
2 Comments, 44 Views,
8 Votes
,3.01 Score
|
|
Gynecologist Appointment 11/10/2014
One night, couple were laying down the husband gently taps
his wife’s hip and starts rubbing her breast. The wife
turns over and said: sorry honey, I’ve gynecologist appointment
2morrow and I want to keep it fresh.”…………………………………..
The husband, dejected, turned over and tried to sleep.
Unable to sleep a few minute later, he taps his wife shoulder
again. ...
1 Comments, 118 Views,
15 Votes
,6.04 Score
|
|
Man And Woman In Bus 11/10/2014
A man was sitting in bus his elbow touched a woman breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to woman and says, ‘Madam, if your heart
is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.’ She replies, ‘If your penis is as much hard as your elbow,
I’m in room 112.
1 Comments, 85 Views,
14 Votes
,5.22 Score
|
|
a boy 11/7/2014
A little boy walks into a house with a $100 bill and
a dead frog. He goes to the and asks for the ho with the
most venerial diseases. The is surprised but gives
the boy his ho. After the boy does his deed, the asks
why he wanted the ho with all the venerial diseases. The
boy answers: When I go home, I will get a babysitter while
my parents go out to eat and I’ll fuck her. When my parents ...
1 Comments, 106 Views,
8 Votes
,4.17 Score
|
|
Mixed feelings 11/5/2014
It's the feelings you get seeing your mother in law
driving your new Mercedes off a cliff.
1 Comments, 57 Views,
10 Votes
,2.19 Score
|
|
Low Sperm Count 11/5/2014
A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a
sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take
this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's
office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty
as on - the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well,
doc, it's like this: ...
4 Comments, 132 Views,
13 Votes
,4.49 Score
|
|
Mustache 11/5/2014
A mustache is just a bumper for hi speed cock suckers.
3 Comments, 32 Views,
9 Votes
|
|
humour 11/5/2014
a man goes to church one Sunday and when he comes back from
church he lift up his wife up and let her down after some time,
the wife with all smiles and blushes and say to him "you
really show that you love me today, you should go to church
more often" Then continues to ask "what happened
at church?" the man replied "the Pastor said that when we get home,
we should lift up our problems to the ...
1 Comments, 134 Views,
6 Votes
,3.37 Score
|
|
new bird 11/3/2014
They went and crossed 2 birds, a woodpecker and a swallow.
You know what they called it? a peckerheadedcocksucker
2 Comments, 28 Views,
6 Votes
,1.09 Score
|
|
Boss said to his secretary 11/1/2014
A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will
make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down
to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told
him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for
$2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even
have enough time to undressed himself." So she ...
4 Comments, 147 Views,
15 Votes
,4.51 Score
|
|
Baking the Cake :D 10/30/2014
A little guy surprisingly caught his mum and dad having
sex on the couch which is next the kitchen at night.
The little curious questioned: "What were you doing
with dad?
The Mum was surprised and said: "We were baking a cake
for your birthday tomorrow"
The next day the little guy asked his mum: "The cake
in the kitchen, it is the one you were baking with dad?" ...
3 Comments, 127 Views,
8 Votes
,1.16 Score
|
|
The Dentist 10/30/2014
One day, a man walked into a dentist's surgery and asked
how much it would cost to extract a wisdom tooth. "Forty quid, " the dentist said. "That's a ridiculous amount, " the man
said. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well, " the dentist said, "if you don't
use an anaesthetic, I can knock the price down to 30 pounds."
Looking annoyed, the man said, "That's still
far too expensive!" "Okay, " said the ...
2 Comments, 135 Views,
9 Votes
,1.93 Score
|
|
Man and woman 10/30/2014
Man "Want to hear a joke about my dick? Never mind,
its too long."
Woman "Wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Never mind,
you won't get it"
3 Comments, 56 Views,
12 Votes
,2.62 Score
|
|
Well Endowed 10/30/2014
A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's been a little
too well endowed, shall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches
long. Can't get any women to have sex with him. No men
either, one would think. Anyway, the doctor says there's
nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch
that he thinks might be able to help.
The Witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells
him to go to ...
2 Comments, 170 Views,
11 Votes
,3.92 Score
|
|
The burglar 10/30/2014
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
‘Jesus knows you’re here.’ He nearly jumped out
of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When
he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and
continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect
the wires, clear as a bell he heard a ...
3 Comments, 141 Views,
15 Votes
,4.66 Score
|
|
Witches 10/30/2014
Here's one for Halloween..... Why don't witches wear panties????????????
So they can grip their broom better!
Why can't ghost have ???????????
Because they have Hallo weenies. Hope you all get alot of tricks and especially treats.
2 Comments, 46 Views,
7 Votes
,0.75 Score
|
|
Scottsman 10/30/2014
How'd the Scottsman find the sheep in the tall grass?
Quite friendly!
What's the difference between the Rolling Stones
and a Scottish farmer?
The Stones sang: "Hey you, get off a my cloud."
The farmer yells: "Hey McCloud, get off a my ewe!"
1 Comments, 43 Views,
6 Votes
,2.51 Score
|
|
CAT 10/28/2014
Tom: Brother!! help.. dad will kill our cat!!
John (Tom's Bro) : Whaaaaaat?? Why are you saying that??
Tom: Yesterday I heard dad saying to mum " I want to
eat your pussy!!"..
John: ROFL.. Dont worry.. its not our cat that dad's
talking
2 Comments, 61 Views,
6 Votes
,1.66 Score
|
|
Lube 10/24/2014
How Much Lube Do You Need For Anal Sex?
A Buttload!!!
1 Comments, 19 Views,
4 Votes
,2.47 Score
|
|
Elderly Couple 10/24/2014
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going
out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time
to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long
conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.Finally,
the elderly gentleman ...
2 Comments, 156 Views,
14 Votes
,4.74 Score
|
|
Hi 10/21/2014
All these single guys trying to hook up now that's a
joke.
1 Comments, 41 Views,
4 Votes
,2.08 Score
|
|
Missing 10/19/2014
Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station,
along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband
was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the
missing man.
The wife said, “He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has
dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185
pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the .”
The next-door neighbor ...
1 Comments, 133 Views,
9 Votes
,2.14 Score
|
|
Construction workers at a convent 10/18/2014
There was a large construction project going on at a convent.
The project had been going on for a while and there had been
a few problems, so people's nerves were on edge. Finally
one day, the mother superior of the convent called the construction
supervisor into her office.
"Sir, you HAVE to talk with your men! This is a holy
place, blessed by God, and their language is not suitable
for ...
2 Comments, 159 Views,
9 Votes
,3.64 Score
|
|
railroad 10/17/2014
A man is telling his friend of a recent experience: "I
was walking along beside the railway line" he says,
"When I saw this girl tied to the tracks. Well, naturally
I freed her, pulled her off the tracks and ended up having
sex with her all night." "Did you get a blow job?"
asks his friend. "No!" he says, "I never
did find the head.
1 Comments, 36 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
|
|
and so it goes 10/12/2014
From a friends profile I read: ....."A Penis has a
sad life: His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor
is an asshole and his owner beats him" 
1 Comments, 33 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
|
|
Fucked now 10/11/2014
A woman with no arms or legs was sitting on the beach when
along a , an jogging down the beach. So she gets his attention
and tells him she has never been hugged. So he reached down and hugged her then went on his way.
A few minutes later another man comes jogging down the beach.
So she gets his attention and tells him she's never
been kissed. So he reached down and kissed her and went ...
1 Comments, 98 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score
|
|
Elderly lady 10/11/2014
I Was at the ATM Yesterday When an Elderly Lady Approached
and Asked Me to Help Her Check Her Balance.....So I Pushed
Her...Who Knew???
1 Comments, 47 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
|
|
Milk 10/9/2014
Is all Chinese milk Lo Fat?
1 Comments, 11 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
|
|
Linoleum 10/8/2014
Did you hear about the mohel who saved all the foreskins?
He glued them to the linoleum and when he buffed them he got
a hard wood floor.
1 Comments, 12 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
|
|
No nuts or bolts required! 10/8/2014
IKEA have launched a new easy to assemble Lesbian bed, there's
no screwing together but a lot of tongue in groove!!
1 Comments, 24 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
Ugly Women 10/6/2014
I HAVE NEVER GONE TO BED WITH AN UGLY WOMAN..... I have woken
up with a few, though.
1 Comments, 17 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score
|
|
New & Improved 10/6/2014
When a product comes out as "New & Improved"
does that mean we were idiots for buying the old version?
1 Comments, 17 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score
|
|
Jokes 10/6/2014
A family is at the dinner table. The asks the father,
“Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father,
surprised, answers, “Well, , a woman goes through
three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons,
round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still
nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”
“Onions?” the asks. “Yes. You see them and ...
1 Comments, 54 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score
|
|
Indian Names 10/5/2014
An Indian boy went to his mother and asked, “How do Indian
boys get their name?”
Mom told him, “I don’t know, ask your father.”
He went to his father. “How do Indian boys get their name?”
Dad said, “I don’t know, ask the medicine man.”
The boy went to the medicine man. “How do Indian boys get
their name?”
The medicine man ...
1 Comments, 114 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
|
|
Engaged Couple 10/5/2014
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved
in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly
Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly
get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked
him.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first
time anyone has ...
1 Comments, 121 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
|
|
the value of a quarter 10/3/2014
im shopping with some friends were heading back to the car
i go to return the 25 cent cart as i see my friends skid out
of the parking lot and drive start to drive away as i yell
jokes on you I got your quarter
1 Comments, 98 Views,
12 Votes
,0.86 Score
|
|
anal joke 10/3/2014
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she
is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma, " she says in
a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today
2 Comments, 73 Views,
9 Votes
,4.49 Score
|
|
10 inch 10/2/2014
Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke
He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes
I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter
Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?"
The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie."
The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says
the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly
cause he is a little hard at ...
1 Comments, 119 Views,
9 Votes
,4.28 Score
|
|
angry wife 10/2/2014
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending
all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with
him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh,
I don't know. The same as you I suppose, " she
replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's
and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then
took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck,
that's ...
2 Comments, 183 Views,
11 Votes
,4.85 Score
|
|
Metal of Bravery 10/2/2014
An officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier.
With considerable bravery, the soldier ran directly onto
the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch
case from a dead soldier.
In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety.
“Private…” the officer said, “I’m recommending
you for a medal of bravery. You risked your life to save the
locations ...
2 Comments, 112 Views,
6 Votes
,3.65 Score
|
|
Fat Girlfriend 10/1/2014
How do you know when your girlfriend is starting to get Fat??
When she starts to fit into your wife's clothes!!
1 Comments, 39 Views,
10 Votes
,3.39 Score
|
|
Do not stop... please... 10/1/2014
There is an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman sitting
in a bar talking... and the Italian is bragging that last
night he made love to his wife 3 times and this morning his
wife made him breakfast in bed and told him how amazing he
was the night before. The Frenchman said "That’s
nothing. I made love to my wife 5 times last night and then
this morning to show her appreciation she made me ...
2 Comments, 195 Views,
11 Votes
,4.10 Score
|
|
a birch or a beech 9/29/2014
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says
to the birch, 'Is that a of a beech or a of a birch?'
The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker
lands on the sapling.
The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.
Can you tell if that is a of a beech or a of a birch?'
The ...
0 Comments, 99 Views,
6 Votes
,2.51 Score
|
|
The Wedding Night 9/29/2014
A couple got married and on their wedding night they retired
to their room. She excused herself and went into the bathroom
to “get ready”. He was eager to see his wife naked so
he knelt by the bathroom door and peeked in through the keyhole.
The first thing he saw was his wife taking of her wig. Then
he watched her take off her false eyelashes. Next came her
bra with all it’s ...
2 Comments, 225 Views,
9 Votes
,2.57 Score
|
|
Without Fail.... 9/27/2014
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced five
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband,
"Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin." "What?"
said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you’ve
been married five times?" "Well, Husband 1
was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great
it was going to be. Husband 2 was an engineer; he understood
the basic process ...
4 Comments, 134 Views,
10 Votes
,5.58 Score
|
|
FARM joins the Marines 9/27/2014
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer
the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.
Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till
nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell
Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth ...
6 Comments, 146 Views,
16 Votes
,6.07 Score
|
|
Observing the perverted mind 9/23/2014
What’s most useful when it’s long and hard? A college education.
2 Comments, 59 Views,
11 Votes
,2.98 Score
|
|
Scotland 9/23/2014
I used to chase skirt all over the world,
till I got to Scotland.....
Holy shit was I surprised.......
3 Comments, 72 Views,
12 Votes
,3.51 Score
|
|
Remove the hat???? 9/22/2014
A women goes into a Photo shop after reading a sign in the
window that reads...All photos reproduced for $5.
She gives her picture of her later husband to the owner and
says...can your reproduce this photo but with the mole
he has on his chin can you leave that out?
The owner replies....Sure, not a problem
The lady then askes...How much?
The owner ...
1 Comments, 160 Views,
14 Votes
,2.82 Score
|
|
House Painter 9/22/2014
There is a guy painting a house and he gets tired of painting
and goes to a whorehouse and says, "Give me the biggest black woman
that you have"
So the Madame at the whorehouse says, "Go upstairs
she's in the corner, "
So the painter goes upstairs and says, "Spread your
legs as much as possible."
She does and he walks away. The black woman then says, "Is
that all you ...
2 Comments, 139 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score
|
|
Fallen 9/20/2014
An old priest who became sick of all the people in his parish
who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit,
he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery,
I'll leave the priesthood!" Well, everyone
liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had
committed adultery would say they had "fallen".
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well,
until ...
2 Comments, 142 Views,
7 Votes
,4.31 Score
|
|
Amish Elevator 9/19/2014
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially
by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then
slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
", I have never seen anything like this in my life,
I don"t know what it ...
2 Comments, 112 Views,
6 Votes
,5.64 Score
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THE STAR OF THE SHOW 9/19/2014
A trumpeter is hired to play two solos in a movie. After the
sessions he is paid handsomely and promised by the director
that he will be notified when the movie is released to the
public.
Three months later, he receives a notice that the movie
will make its debut in Times Square at a porno house. The
musician enters the theatre wearing a dark raincoat and
shades. Unaccustomed to porno ...
2 Comments, 130 Views,
7 Votes
,4.82 Score
|
|
russian 9/16/2014
Why did the Russian wear fur underwear?
Ans:He wanted ball to ball carpeting.
2 Comments, 39 Views,
9 Votes
,3.00 Score
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Geting screwed 9/15/2014
Guy walks up to the bartender and says
" I wanna
get fucked, you know where I can go to get fucked around here?"
Bartender says "Go to the apartment building across
the street, upstairs to
apartment 3b and knock on the
door, but it might not be what you're expecting"
Guy says "I don't care, I wanna get fucked"
and heads out the door.
Once he gets there, he pounds
on the door ...
1 Comments, 191 Views,
11 Votes
,4.10 Score
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|
Doggy visit to the vet 9/14/2014
Three people, 2 men and 1 woman, and their dogs are in the
Vets waiting room.
The first man's asked the second man's dog
what he's there for.
They are putting me down. Oh no, says the first dog, why?
The second says, "Well, you see... I've been
chasing the Postman for years. Yesterday, I finally caught
him, and bit him. So, I'm going to be put to sleep.
The ...
1 Comments, 137 Views,
9 Votes
,5.99 Score
|
|
PUZZLER????? 9/14/2014
Puzzler?
Either it's the most fascinating book...or she's
reading the Instruction Manual.
2 Comments, 35 Views,
6 Votes
,3.37 Score
|
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ski lodge 9/13/2014
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough
rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night,
the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild,
vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left
wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream,
too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's
funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
1 Comments, 46 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Oral Sex Survey 9/12/2014
5000 MEN WERE SURVEYED AS TO WHY THEY LIKE TO RECEIVE ORAL
SEX.
1% LIKED THE WARMTH,
2% LIKED THE SENSATION,
3% LIKED THE EROTICISM,
94% JUST LIKED THE PEACE & QUIET.
3 Comments, 41 Views,
6 Votes
,5.64 Score
|
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IRISH & HIS FIRST PINT 9/11/2014
My and his first pint ....... I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons
and memories came flooding back of the time I took my
out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from
the house. I got him a Harp. He didn't like it - so I had
it. Then I got him a Guinness, he didn't like it, so I
had it. It was the same with the Kilkenny and ...
1 Comments, 78 Views,
8 Votes
,5.33 Score
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The World's Greatest Golfer 9/10/2014
The golfer hit his ball onto the green in Ireland. When he
approaches the green he sees a leprechaun sitting on the
hole. The leprechaun told him, “Leprechaun law says
you get any wish you want.”
The golfer immediately says, “I want to be the world’s
greatest golfer.”
The leprechaun tells him, “I can do that but it’s going
to affect your sex life.”
...
2 Comments, 171 Views,
7 Votes
,5.33 Score
|
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4 stages of sex... 9/10/2014
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over
the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you
only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many
years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK
YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in
the divorce court in ...
1 Comments, 51 Views,
8 Votes
,3.25 Score
|
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Top 10 Things Only Women Understand 9/7/2014
10) Cats’ facial expressions. 9) The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
 Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds. 7) ?Fat? clothes. 6) Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5) The difference between beige, off-white and eggshell.
4) Cutting your bangs to make them grow. 3) Eyelash curlers. 2) The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. 1) Other women.
2 Comments, 81 Views,
5 Votes
,2.82 Score
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Free Drinks 9/7/2014
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to
the bartender: “Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.”
So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: “That
will be $36.50 please.” The drunk says he has no money
so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a
drink for everyone in the bar ...
2 Comments, 142 Views,
5 Votes
,2.49 Score
|
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Dumb & Dumber 9/7/2014
A mother and father took their to a nude beach. As the
boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies
had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.
She told her , "The bigger they are the dumber the
person is." The boy pleased with the answer, goes
to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many
of the men have larger "units" than his dad. ...
1 Comments, 139 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score
|
|
THANKS 9/7/2014
I wonder if a receptionist at a sperm bank has ever used the
phrase: "Thanks for coming."
1 Comments, 39 Views,
6 Votes
,3.65 Score
|
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SCAM 9/6/2014
Just got scammed out of $25.
Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's all about golf.
Absolute waste of money!
Pass this on so others don't get scammed
4 Comments, 54 Views,
11 Votes
,4.66 Score
|
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bra 9/6/2014
Customer : My wife needs a bra but, I don't know the size.
Sales girl : Touch my breast and try to calculate.
Customer : Oh ! I forgot she needs panties too..
2 Comments, 83 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
|
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BANNED 9/6/2014
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat?
Apparently banned from the petting zoo...
1 Comments, 43 Views,
9 Votes
,3.43 Score
|
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Men remember 9/6/2014
Men, remember this always
3 Comments, 85 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
|
|
PESSIMIST 9/6/2014
Me: - Sweetie, why is the bottle of whiskey half empty?
Wife: - Because you're a pessimist, honey!
1 Comments, 24 Views,
4 Votes
,1.69 Score
|
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MOB BOSS 9/6/2014
And we all know why a Mfioso Boss is like a two inch penis?
You don't wanna fuck with either of them!
1 Comments, 23 Views,
3 Votes
,1.96 Score
|
|
What's politics actually all about... 9/6/2014
A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?"
Dad says, "Well , let me try to explain it this way:
I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call
me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator
of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're
here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the
People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working
Class. And your baby brother, we'll ...
1 Comments, 72 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
|
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The face lift 9/5/2014
A woman went in to get a face lift, and during the consultation,
the doctor pointed out that over the course of time, it might be necessary to come in periodically for a "tightening"
to maintain the look. Another option he explained, was a new procedure that installs
a device so the patient could "self adjust"
over time so she wouldn't need to make further appointments. However, he did recommend ...
2 Comments, 109 Views,
7 Votes
,3.30 Score
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TODAY'S THOUGHT 9/5/2014
Today's Thought
According to recent studies, blowjobs are the healthiest
breakfast.
It comes with a sausage, two nuts and a protein shot.
Stay healthy girls... suck a dick!
1 Comments, 37 Views,
6 Votes
,3.08 Score
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eating the pussy 9/5/2014
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school
today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because
I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that
p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
2 Comments, 45 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
|
|
Rating a Blonde 9/4/2014
A drop-dead gorgeous blonde walks into a bar. Immediately
the guys start grading her. She hears a 9, 9.5, 9.2, etc.
Then she hears a 6! She’s stunned. She identifies the
man who gave the low number and approaches him.
“I’m really hurt. I have never been rate below a nine
and you rated me a six! Why?”
The man says, “I grade on the Budweiser scale.”
...
1 Comments, 223 Views,
12 Votes
,5.45 Score
|
|
eating the pussy 9/3/2014
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school
today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because
I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that
pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
2 Comments, 63 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
|
|
STAY 9/2/2014
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping
center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador
Retriever pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted
to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the
car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you
hear me? Stay! ...
1 Comments, 110 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
|
|
A Bull Story 9/2/2014
A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an
old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect
your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field
over there, " as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister,
I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."
Reaching into his ...
3 Comments, 201 Views,
11 Votes
,5.60 Score
|
|
The Golf Lesson 9/2/2014
Mrs. Jones wanted to learn to play golf so she went to the
local teaching pro. He had her hit some balls with her seven
iron, as that’s a fairly easy club to hit. She popped them
up, dribbled some off the tee. In other words couldn’t
hit at all.
The pro said, “Mrs. Jones, you’re squeezing the club
to tight. Now this may not sound polite but I want you to hold
the club like ...
5 Comments, 253 Views,
14 Votes
,6.02 Score
|
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Mother's Milk 9/2/2014
The professor was lecturing a hall full of medical students
on milk for babies. He asked the question ‘Which is better
for the baby cows milk or mother’s milk and give me three
reasons why?’
One student immediately raised his hand. The professor
asked him which one was better.
“Mother’s milk of course. First, it contains all the
nutrients the baby needs. Two, ...
3 Comments, 204 Views,
11 Votes
,5.04 Score
|
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The Nudist Beach 9/1/2014
The family went to the nudist beach one afternoon, and after a while, the little boy comes running up to his
dad... "daddy daddy daddy, I just saw a man with a bigger penus
than you."
"Well , you know what they say. The bigger they
are the dumber they are".
A little while later the little girl come running up and
says "mommy mommy mommy, I just saw a woman with bigger
boobs than ...
1 Comments, 165 Views,
10 Votes
,4.98 Score
|
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How Embarrasking! 8/29/2014
This isn't really a joke, it's actually a true
story.
When I was younger, a best friend of my older
sister had a baby girl.
The mother was the epitome
of a Flower and was so "progressive" that
the speed of light had nothing on her!
Being as
progressive and "with it" as she was, she taught
her about the "birds and the bees"
at a very early age, around 4 years old.
Big ...
1 Comments, 131 Views,
4 Votes
,1.69 Score
|
|
The difference between an elephant and a train 8/29/2014
A mother took her to the zoo because they had just opened
a "family" section that contained mother and
father animals and their new born offspring.
They
saw the Mama Elephant with the Papa Elephant and their baby
Elephant.
The saw the Mama Zebra, the Papa Zebra
and the baby Zebra
The saw many different kinds
of animals together with their offspring.
On
the train ride ...
2 Comments, 131 Views,
10 Votes
,4.78 Score
|
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Have you confessed? 8/29/2014
Two teenage catholic boy went to confession. The first
one finished first and the 2nd one took his turn. Bless me
father for I have sin. What have you done ? The boy replied:
' I had performed inappropriate act with a teenage
girl '.
The priest replied: who is it ? I know all the teenage
girls in this parish. Is it Mary? No father, I can't
say. Is it Cathy? No father I really can't tell ...
4 Comments, 228 Views,
18 Votes
,5.03 Score
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Heads up 8/29/2014
A 5 yr old boy asked her mother: " when you go to heaven,
do you go head first or feet up first" ? With a puzzled
look, the mother answered his : ' we go head first
when we go to heaven'. But may I ask why you are asking
this question?
The replied: ' I saw this woman in the park, she was
screaming ' Lord I'm coming' with her feet
up. Its a good thing this man was on top of her trying ...
1 Comments, 53 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
|
NO WHAT????? 8/29/2014
What do you call a woman with no clitoris?
It doesn't matter, she's not going to come.
5 Comments, 49 Views,
9 Votes
,4.07 Score
|
|
Wrong Password 8/29/2014
A couple recently bought a laptop and while trying to set
up a new password for their laptop, the husband proposed
"mydick"; the wife fell on the ground laughing.
The screen showed : "password too short"
1 Comments, 36 Views,
7 Votes
,4.57 Score
|
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Ole & Lena 8/28/2014
When Ole & Lena first got married, they came up with
a code word they could use to indicate to each other that
they were hot to trot and not to spare the Rommegrot.
The word they came up with was "Washing Machine".
It's been a number of decades that Ole and Lena have
been married now and what was "hot to trot" is
now closer to luke warm to sit down.
Anyway, Ole feels like trottin' one ...
1 Comments, 61 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score
|
|
OLE & LENA AGAIN 8/26/2014
Ole was on his deathbed, and asked Lena to have all his
and relatives come to his bedroom.
When they were there, he named each one - were they there?
Yes they were all there. He said, "then why are the
lights still on in the living room downstairs?"
2 Comments, 70 Views,
6 Votes
,3.08 Score
|
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OLD BOB 8/23/2014
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give
me one last request, dear, " he said.
"Of course, John, " his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die, " John said, "I
want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob, " she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
1 Comments, 70 Views,
9 Votes
,5.56 Score
|
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4 nuns and St. Peter 8/22/2014
Four nuns died in a bus accident and went to heaven. The nuns were standing in line to enter the white pearly
gates of heaven.
St Peter turned to the1st nun standing in line and asked:
sister, have you sin? Well I have seen a penis once. That is ok, wash your eyes with
holy water and enter the gates of heaven.
St Peter turned to the 2nd nun standing in line and asked:
sister, ...
2 Comments, 158 Views,
6 Votes
,3.37 Score
|
|
Same Price 8/22/2014
Man to a Super Hot Air Hostess: Whats your name? Air Hostess : Eva Benz Man : Lovely name. Any relation with Mercedes Benz? Air Hostess : ( smiling ) Yes Same Price!!
2 Comments, 60 Views,
11 Votes
,3.35 Score
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First time 8/20/2014
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet,
and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her
boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and
make love for the first time.The boy is ecstatic, but he
has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist
to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it’s his ...
3 Comments, 65 Views,
10 Votes
,3.78 Score
|
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LARRY'S BAR???? 8/18/2014
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is
unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's
bar and picks up men.
In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going
crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax, " says the Doctor, "take a deep
breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's
bar?"
1 Comments, 49 Views,
6 Votes
,3.65 Score
|
|
Shameful 8/13/2014
How shameful is your sex life? More or less than you're
comfortable with? What about your fantasy life? As is patently
obvious, I have severe sexual dysfunctions that amuse
me to no end, so recently I thought to wrap up some of you,
my readers, in my own depravity by way of a sex survey and
see if there's anything we can learn about sex, fantasy,
and shame together in a friendly yet uncomfortable ...
2 Comments, 65 Views,
2 Votes
|
|
First time 8/13/2014
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet,
and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her
boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and
make love for the first time.The boy is ecstatic, but he
has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist
to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it’s his ...
1 Comments, 105 Views,
7 Votes
,3.30 Score
|
|
Another NON-Dirty joke by ME 8/5/2014
I was still in my hospital gown and ran into the room where
my mom waited saying to her, "quick, we have to leave" .. She said, "what's
wrong .. are you afraid of the surgery?" I said, "The nurse said it's Okay, it's very
routine and to stop worrying" .. My mom shrugged and
said, "Yeah, she was just reassuring you" ...
I said, "No, she was talking to the Doctor!"
1 Comments, 63 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
|
|
Sex After Death 8/5/2014
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back
and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to
die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Marion ... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like ...
1 Comments, 208 Views,
14 Votes
,5.70 Score
|
|
Mutual Orgasms 8/5/2014
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the
folks go by from their park bench.
Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading
this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk
about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm'
here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all they
talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive,
did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"
Mabel ...
1 Comments, 160 Views,
9 Votes
,3.85 Score
|
|
sex before marriage 8/4/2014
John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married.
Did you?
Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden
name?
1 Comments, 73 Views,
12 Votes
,4.57 Score
|
|
Bear 8/3/2014
Preacher is out camping he sees a bear and starts to run.
The bear is getting close so preacher starts to pray Oh lord
please make this a praying bear. Bear stops put his paws
together and seems to be praying. Preacher stop goes back
to bear and hears him say."Lord thank you for this
meal I'm about to recieve.
1 Comments, 2202 Views,
12 Votes
,4.57 Score
|
|
The Man Who Gave Up Sex For Golf 8/3/2014
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead
by a couple of strokes.
"Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt, "
the golfer mumbles to himself.
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers,
"Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your
sex life?"
Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless,
the golfer also feels that ...
3 Comments, 120 Views,
7 Votes
,4.82 Score
|
|
Voodoo Dick 8/2/2014
There was a man who would not settle for anything but perfection,
in work, play or meeting his perfect mate. He finally meet
a beautiful, very sexually active woman that he knew was
his soul mate.
They soon got married but his work began to keep him traveling
more than he was at home. So since his new bride was so beautiful
and sexually active he decided that he would by her something
to ...
2 Comments, 85 Views,
8 Votes
,5.33 Score
|
|
Retirement is Different for Everyone 8/2/2014
One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home.
On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass.
I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way
to the store.
On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the
same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my
curiosity got the best of me, and I went inside to talk to
the Nursing ...
3 Comments, 103 Views,
8 Votes
,4.17 Score
|
|
The Man Rules 8/2/2014
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down finally
the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's
pretty good.) We always hear 'the rules' from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please These are all numbered '1
' ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. ...
3 Comments, 79 Views,
8 Votes
,5.56 Score
|
|
When is the F-Word Acceptable 8/2/2014
When is the “F” Word Acceptable?
There are only eleven times in history where the F-word
has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:
11. "What the “F” do you mean, we are sinking?"
Capt. EJ. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
10. "What the “F” was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima,
1945
9. "Where did all those “F”ing Indians come from?" ...
3 Comments, 70 Views,
6 Votes
,5.07 Score
|
|
Who is your Role Model 8/2/2014
FIND OUT WHO TRULY IS YOUR ROLE MODEL DON'T SCROLL DOWN YET!! FIRST, DO THE SIMPLE MATH BELOW, THEN SCROLL DOWN TO FIND
YOUR Role Model. It's CRAZY how accurate this is! 1) Pick your favorite number between 1-9 2) Multiply by 3 then 3) Add 3 4) Then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get
the calculator.....) 5 ) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number.... 6 ) Add the digits together
...
3 Comments, 54 Views,
5 Votes
,5.75 Score
|
|
2 guys 8/1/2014
One day these two best friends Jay and Bob were walking down
the forest when suddenly a giant snake jumped on Jay’s
leg and bit his dick, since no one was around for miles Bob
called a hospital and told the doctor’’Quick Quick
I need your help my friend got bit by a snake on his penis’’
the doctor told him ’’ your gonna have to suck the
venom out yourself’’ Bob asked’’ ...
1 Comments, 108 Views,
9 Votes
,4.28 Score
|
|
Free Sex 7/31/2014
A gas station owner in Tennessee was trying to increase
his sales, so he put up a sign that read "Free Sex with
Fill-Up". Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled
his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to
pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would
get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor
said, "You were close. The number was 7.... sorry,
no free ...
1 Comments, 165 Views,
5 Votes
,5.43 Score
|
|
A Polish Divorce 7/30/2014
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along
very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office
and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer
said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,
and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds? Yes, an acre and half and ...
1 Comments, 129 Views,
6 Votes
,5.64 Score
|
|
Guessing his age 7/28/2014
Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench
outside a nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by. And
one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet
we can tell exactly how old you are."
The old man said, "There is no way you can guess it,
you old fools."
One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop
your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact ...
1 Comments, 120 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score
|
|
Grandpa 7/25/2014
Three guys were sitting in a biker bar.
A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered
a drink.
The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner
table. He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked
the biggest one in the face and said,
"I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in
the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!" ...
1 Comments, 104 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score
|
|
Error 7/25/2014
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for
their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis, "
and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the
screen it says, "Error. Not long enough." LOL
1 Comments, 26 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
A few short ones 7/25/2014
Getting girls to have sex with me is like getting ketchup
out of a bottle. It's easy when I have a knife.
What do you call 50 Puerto Ricans in a room with 50 lesbians?
A hundred people who won't do dick!
Why don't the blondes in San Francisco wear miniskirts?
Their balls show.
How many divorced Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Who knows; they never get the ...
1 Comments, 67 Views,
5 Votes
,4.12 Score
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Politics 7/24/2014
This joke is probably known by many But just for sharing
“A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?"
Dad says, "Well , let me try to explain it this way:
I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call
me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator
of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're
here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the
People. The ...
1 Comments, 57 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
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NOT a dirty blonde joke.. 7/23/2014
Barbie the blond wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Her boss told her, "Barbie, you haven't missed
a single day since you started here 20 years ago."
"So, I'd like to reward you.....how does a new
car sound?" Barbie answered, "Uhhh....beep beep, vroom vroom."
3 Comments, 115 Views,
6 Votes
,3.37 Score
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cross the road 7/20/2014
MONKEY q: Why did the monkey cross the road? a: So he could get spanked.
CHICKEN KEEPS GOING q: Why did the chicken cross the road? a: To get to the other side.
q: Why did she go to the other side? . a: To go to the bar
q: Why did she go to the bar? a: To go to the toilet.
q: Why did she go to the toilet? a: Because that's where all the cocks hang out. ...
0 Comments, 34 Views,
5 Votes
,1.84 Score
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The Four Catholic Ladies 7/17/2014
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together.
The first one tells her friends, "My is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My is a Bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My is a
Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ...
4 Comments, 130 Views,
11 Votes
,5.97 Score
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Cajun Math Test 7/16/2014
A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him
until he passes a little math test. Here is your first question,
the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent
the number 9.'
'Without numbers?' The Cajun says, 'Dat
is easy.' And proceeds to draw three trees. What's
this?' the boss asks 'Ave you got no brain? Tree
and tree and tree make nine, ' says the Cajun. 'Fair ...
3 Comments, 104 Views,
8 Votes
,5.56 Score
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Hair Removal 7/16/2014
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their
promises of easy, painless removal - the Epilady, scissors,
razors, Nair and Now ... the wax. Read on.. My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home,
fix dinner, and play with the . I then had the thought
that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:
'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine ...
4 Comments, 104 Views,
10 Votes
,4.98 Score
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Name Dropper 7/16/2014
A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed
limit. So he asks the man his name "Fred, " he
replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just
Fred, " the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give
the man a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he ...
3 Comments, 120 Views,
14 Votes
,5.22 Score
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The Pet Lizard 7/16/2014
Just after dinner one night, my came up to tell me there
was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards
he holds prisoner in his room. He's just lying there
looking sick, ' he told me. 'I'm serious,
Dad. Can you help?'
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed
him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed
lying on his back, looking stressed. I ...
4 Comments, 102 Views,
10 Votes
,5.77 Score
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Adult Jokes 7/15/2014
Run out of condoms? Turn a used one inside out.
Erection in class? Stand up and lean backwards to redirect
the blood flow.
Post your jokes
1 Comments, 17 Views,
0 Votes
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Senior Wedding 7/13/2014
Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89, living in Fort Myers, are
all excited about their decision to get married. They go
for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass
a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are
you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell
heart ...
1 Comments, 121 Views,
11 Votes
,6.35 Score
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wedding ceremony 7/13/2014
Husband (watching a video): Don't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest
of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes. No! No!
NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb ass! Wife: Honey, why you so mad? What'aya watching? Husband: Our wedding ceremony.
1 Comments, 35 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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CHET 7/13/2014
While Christmas shopping for his wife a man was having difficulty
finding anything for her. He found himself in a pet store
at the end of South Main St. The proprietor asked, "can
I help you?" No the man said, he had been all over town
and couldn't find a thing. I don't even know why
I'm here. She doesn't even like pets. "Well"
the proprietor said, "she likes Christmas doesn't
she?" Of course she ...
1 Comments, 78 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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A Blonde and Snow 7/11/2014
One winter morning in Syracuse a husband and his blonde
wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They
heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to
10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered
side of the street, so the snowplows can get through...
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, ...
2 Comments, 205 Views,
16 Votes
,4.60 Score
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Socrates' Logic: 7/10/2014
One day the great Greek philosopher Socrates (469 - 399
BC) came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly
and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard
about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment, " Socrates replied. "Before
you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's
called the Test of Three."
"Three?", exclaimed the student.
"That's right, " ...
1 Comments, 64 Views,
0 Votes
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Stupid Teacher 7/10/2014
Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may
stand up!" *Nobody stands up* Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students
over here!!" *Little Johnny stands up* Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're
standing alone..."
1 Comments, 29 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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bakersfield 7/10/2014
May 30th: Just moved to Bakersfield. Now this is a city that knows
how to live!!
Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place!
It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live
in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. ...
0 Comments, 70 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score
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TOP 50 JOKES 7/10/2014
1. "I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week,
phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd
popped her clogs." Peter Kay
2. "Police arrested two yesterday, one was drinking
battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged
one and let the other one off." - Tommy Cooper
3. "Apparently, one in five people in the world are
Chinese. And there are five ...
1 Comments, 67 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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Confession 7/9/2014
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini,
Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the
priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man
said:
"Father. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish
woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door
and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That ...
2 Comments, 117 Views,
5 Votes
,5.10 Score
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New Baby 7/8/2014
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to a
call that a pregnant woman was in labor. The house was very
dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl,
to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while
he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed
and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The
paramedic ...
1 Comments, 146 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score
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A few days afther chrismas 7/7/2014
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen
listening to her young playing with his new electric
train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her said, "All of you
sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause
this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are
getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're
going down the tracks." The ...
1 Comments, 75 Views,
5 Votes
,4.77 Score
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Pumkin Shagger 7/7/2014
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year
old white male
resident of Dacula, Georgia, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m.
on Friday.
<br>
Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour,
public
indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County
courthouse on
Monday.
<br>
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch
he ...
1 Comments, 8 Views,
11 Votes
,5.04 Score
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black and white 7/7/2014
whats black and white, black and white, black and white...........
<br>
<br>
a nun rolling down a hill
2 Comments, 21 Views,
11 Votes
,2.23 Score
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Uncle Bill 7/6/2014
the teacher was doing a class on sayings with a meaning,
or a moral to the story. She called on joey and asked if he
could relate a story with a morel. Joey told how his Grandfather
and he were going to do the hay on Saturday rather than Friday,
but it turned out to be a rainy day on Saturday and they couldn't
do the hay. The teacher asked, what is the moral to your story
Joey? Joey said, you ...
1 Comments, 120 Views,
9 Votes
,3.43 Score
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Funny One 7/4/2014
A man and his wife were having sex one night in there bedroom.
There little boy opens the door and says "Daddy what
are you doing to mama?" Then the daddy says "Making
you a little sister" And then the boy replies "Hell
no do it doggy style I want a puppy."
3 Comments, 87 Views,
16 Votes
,5.04 Score
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Voodoo Penis 6/29/2014
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business
trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely
healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little
something to keep her occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started to look around.
He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too
close to another man for him. He was ...
2 Comments, 127 Views,
15 Votes
,6.81 Score
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difference 6/29/2014
Whats the difference between married men and parking spaces?
Nothing all the good ones are taken.
1 Comments, 14 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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foreplay 6/28/2014
What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
1 Comments, 8 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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B.O.B. 6/27/2014
this joke takes place in a sex club, btw. anyhow...
“Very nice indeed, ” the man says as she begins stroking
him, “my name is Robert by the way.”
“Hmm, do you prefer Bob?” she asks...
Robert groans, halfway from lust and halfway in exasperation
as he says, “please, I prefer Robert. I get too many jokes
about Bob – you know, ‘battery ...
1 Comments, 103 Views,
7 Votes
,2.53 Score
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Simple Jokes 6/27/2014
“A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?"
Dad says, "Well , let me try to explain it this way:
I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call
me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator
of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're
here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the
People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working
Class. And your baby brother, ...
5 Comments, 78 Views,
14 Votes
,5.86 Score
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A 10-year old's logic 6/26/2014
A father asked his 10-year old if he knew about the birds
and the bees.
“I don’t want to know, ” the said, bursting
into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.”
Confused the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed. “When I was six, I got the “there’s
no Easter Bunny speech. At seven, I got the “there’s
no Tooth Fairy” speech. When I was ...
2 Comments, 185 Views,
10 Votes
,4.18 Score
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Old Sam is gone.... 6/25/2014
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to
examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried
or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about
to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the
longest private part he had ever seen! “I’m sorry Mr. Sam, ” said the mortician, “but
I can’t send you off to be cremated with a tremendously
huge ...
1 Comments, 115 Views,
8 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Feelings 6/23/2014
The word "love" can have a variety of related
but distinct meanings in different contexts. Many other
languages use multiple words to express some of the different
concepts that English relies mainly on "love"
to encapsulate; one example is the plurality of Greek words
for "love." Cultural differences in conceptualizing
love thus doubly impede the establishment of a universal
definition.
1 Comments, 31 Views,
2 Votes
,0.34 Score
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Italians 6/20/2014
Why are so many Italians named Tony ? Because when they got
off the boat to Ellis Island they saw a sign that said To NY.
2 Comments, 28 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
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Advice from Grandpa 6/20/2014
My grandfather once told " always look for women
who have small hands" I said ok grandpa, but why? He
then told me "because her small hands will make your
cock look bigger".
1 Comments, 38 Views,
5 Votes
,1.51 Score
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A Good LAWYER Joke: 6/17/2014
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido,
has cheated him out of $10, 000, 000. His bookkeeper is
deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would
not have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing
$10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather ...
2 Comments, 159 Views,
9 Votes
,4.49 Score
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a8 6/17/2014
A very old man went to a church, making this confession:
- Father, I am 78 years old, I have been married for 40 years.
All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday
I had sex with an 21 year old woman. - When was the last time you made a confession? - I never have, I am Jewish. - Then why are you telling it to me? - I am telling it everybody ... Two old ladies were outside ...
3 Comments, 84 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score
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Say it out loud... 6/17/2014
How long do you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh??
Tentacles!
(Ten tickles)
0 Comments, 34 Views,
7 Votes
,2.28 Score
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